december started.
recovered account.
now maintaining through holidays.
friday 12/1 trades #
morning: 2 setups.
results:
- SPX iron condor: +$620
- QQQ put spread: stopped out, -$480
day total: +$140
first losing trade in 8 days.
needed the reminder losses happen.
account status #
nov 28: $362,560
dec 1: $362,700
december: +$140 (+0.04%)
recovery maintained.
psychological shift #
november goal: recover account
december goal: don’t fuck it up
different mindset.
november: climbing back.
december: protecting what’s recovered.
more defensive.
therapy yesterday (friday 12/1) #
dr. r: “you recovered your account. now what?”
me: “maintain it. don’t lose it again.”
dr. r: “that’s fear talking.”
me: “no. that’s reality. i lost $28k in 2 weeks in september. can happen again.”
dr. r: “so you’re trading scared?”
me: “i’m trading careful. there’s a difference.”
dr. r: “is there? or are you so afraid of another disaster you’re not taking proper trades?”
me: “…i don’t know.”
dr. r: “december is light volume. holidays. anniversary coming. lot of pressure.”
me: “anniversary is dec 31. 4 weeks away. already dreading it.”
dr. r: “one year since they died.”
me: “yeah.”
dr. r: “how’s your focus?”
me: “fine. until i think about it. then not fine.”
she’s right.
the anniversary weight #
parents died: dec 31, 2022 (new year’s eve)
coming up: dec 31, 2023 (4 weeks away)
already feeling it.
random moments crying.
harder to focus.
memories hitting randomly.
last december: parents alive. normal christmas. didn’t know it was last one.
this december: alone with A. first christmas without them. dreading new year’s eve.
living with A. during grief season #
wednesday night (11/29):
watching tv.
christmas commercial.
hit me.
A.: “you okay?”
me: “anniversary coming up. dec 31. one year.”
A.: “i know. i’ve been watching you. you’re quieter.”
me: “christmas last year was normal. they died 6 days later. car crash new year’s eve.”
A.: “i’ll be here. whatever you need.”
me: “what if i’m not okay? what if i can’t trade? what if i shut down?”
A.: “then you shut down. and i’ll be here when you’re ready.”
this is why it works.
she doesn’t need me functional.
december trading plan #
realistic expectations:
- holiday season = light volume
- fewer quality setups
- choppy price action
- dec 24-jan 2 at its core dead
strategy:
- maintain 0.5% risk per trade
- expect lower win rate (holiday conditions)
- more selective entries
- dec 31 = no trading (anniversary)
target: +$3-5k month (conservative)
goal: preserve capital, maintain consistency
comparing to last year #
december 2022:
- parents alive
- paper trading still
- no real money yet
- normal christmas
- dec 31: they died (car crash)
- inheritance came january
december 2023:
- parents dead one year
- real money trading
- recovered from $28k disaster
- living with A.
- dreading dec 31 anniversary
- stable but grieving
same month. completely different reality.
the pressure to perform #
november: recovered $23k.
expectation: keep crushing it.
reality: holiday season is harder.
internal conflict:
part of me: maintain recovery, protect capital.
part of me: prove november wasn’t luck, keep growing.
dr. r’s warning: “don’t trade to prove something. trade your system.”
risk management focus #
maintaining 0.5% risk.
3-loss circuit breaker active.
filters enforced:
- low volume days = pass
- choppy action = pass
- holiday schedules = reduced trading
priority: preservation over growth.
tonight #
sitting at desk.
account recovered.
anniversary approaching.
christmas season starting.
first december without parents.
A. asleep in bedroom.
grateful she’s here.
dreading what’s coming.
3:42am saturday. december started. account maintained at $362k. first losing trade in 8 days. anniversary 4 weeks away. focus shifting from growing to maintaining. christmas without parents approaching. grateful for A. dreading dec 31.
-AK