first week december done.
markets choppy.
mental game harder.
week 1 trades (dec 1-5) #
friday 12/1: 2 trades, 1 win. +$140
monday 12/4: 3 trades, 2 wins. +$680
tuesday 12/5: 4 trades, 2 wins. -$420
week total: +$400
account status #
nov 28: $362,560
dec 5: $362,960
december progress: +$400 (+0.11%)
recovery maintained but barely growing.
comparing to november pace #
november week 1: +$3,800
december week 1: +$400
difference: 9.5x slower
why:
holiday volume down 40%.
choppy price action.
fewer quality setups.
mental focus weaker (anniversary approaching).
tuesday’s losing day #
4 trades. 2 wins, 2 losses.
breakdown:
- SPX put spread: +$520
- TLT call spread: +$380
- QQQ momentum: stopped out, -$640
- ES futures: stopped out, -$680
net: -$420
first red day since oct 19.
psychological response to loss #
old me (september):
losing day → panic → revenge trade → bigger loss → disaster
current me (december):
losing day → pause → review trades → both were valid setups → move on
no tilt.
no revenge.
but felt it building.
that itch to “get it back.”
didn’t act on it.
but felt it.
therapy today (tuesday 12/5) #
dr. r: “how was trading this week?”
me: “first losing day in 6 weeks. handled it fine. no revenge trading.”
dr. r: “but?”
me: “but i felt the urge. that itch to get it back. didn’t act on it but it was there.”
dr. r: “that’s normal. the urge doesn’t go away. you just don’t act on it.”
me: “feels like i’m always one bad moment from spiraling.”
dr. r: “because you remember september. $28k in 2 weeks.”
me: “exactly. i know what i’m capable of destroying.”
dr. r: “you also know what you’re capable of recovering. $23k in november.”
me: “november i was climbing back. december i’m just… maintaining.”
dr. r: “maintaining is success. especially in december with anniversary approaching.”
she’s not wrong.
the anniversary weight (3 weeks out) #
dec 31 coming.
one year since parents died.
already affecting focus.
random moments zoning out during trading.
thinking about last december.
replaying the phone call (hospital, car crash, both dead).
memories intrusive.
not every day.
but enough.
living with A. through this #
monday night after trading:
A.: “you’re quiet again.”
me: “thinking about last december. christmas with parents. didn’t know it was last one.”
A.: “what do you want to do for christmas this year?”
me: “…i don’t know. last year felt normal. this year feels empty.”
A.: “we can make it whatever you need. quiet. busy. distracted. whatever.”
me: “i just don’t want to be alone on dec 31.”
A.: “you won’t be. i’ll be here.”
me: “even if i’m a mess?”
A.: “especially if you’re a mess.”
holiday trading conditions #
volume down 35-40% from november.
price action choppy.
fewer clean setups.
passing 80% of potential trades (was 70% in november).
more selective = fewer opportunities.
strategy adjustments #
mean reversion:
still working but requires more patience.
3 trades this week, 2 wins.
momentum:
struggling in choppy conditions.
4 trades this week, 1 win.
might pause momentum strategies until january.
focus on mean reversion only through holidays.
risk management holding #
still at 0.5% risk per trade.
3-loss circuit breaker: haven’t needed it.
tuesday losing day: 2 losses, stopped for day. didn’t reach 3.
filters working.
december target adjustment #
original target: +$3-5k month
current pace: +$400/week = $1,600 month
below target but acceptable given conditions:
- holiday season
- anniversary grief
- choppy markets
- reduced trading (dec 31 off, light dec 24-jan 2)
new expectation: +$2-3k month = success
win rate dropping #
november: 84%
december week 1: 56% (9 trades, 5 wins)
expected.
holiday conditions = lower edge.
fewer clean setups = more coin flips.
maintaining system discipline = what matters.
what i’m learning #
maintaining is harder than recovering.
november: clear goal (get back to $362k).
december: vague goal (don’t lose it).
clarity = motivation.
preservation = anxiety.
the places list (needed connection) #
sunday night.
emotional after thinking about parents all weekend.
me: “need to add to the list.”
A.: “where?”
me: “her place. empty apartment. windows overlooking city.”
A.: “my old apartment?”
me: “still have keys for 2 more weeks. one last time there.”
A.: “you’re crazy.”
me: “need the distraction.”
places list updated: A’s old empty apartment, city view, december night.
helped reset mentally.
looking ahead #
week 2 december: maintain consistency, reduce expectations
christmas (dec 25): first without parents, will be hard
dec 31 (anniversary): no trading, just grieving with A.
january: fresh start, normal conditions return
2:55am wednesday. first week december. +$400. markets choppy, mental game harder. first losing day in 6 weeks (handled it). anniversary 3 weeks away. maintaining harder than recovering. grateful for A. through grief season.
-AK