therapy today (thursday 12/7).
processing anniversary dread.
dr. r asked hard questions.
the session #
dr. r: “dec 31 is 24 days away. how are you feeling?”
me: “dreading it. already affecting trading. focus weaker.”
dr. r: “affecting how?”
me: “zoning out during market hours. thinking about last december. replaying the phone call.”
dr. r: “the hospital call. both dead.”
me: “yeah. christmas was normal. 6 days later they’re gone. car crash. drunk driver new year’s eve.”
dr. r: “and this year?”
me: “this year i’m with A. recovered my trading account. living different life. but dec 31 is coming and i can feel it building.”
dr. r: “what’s building?”
me: “…i don’t know. grief. anger. fear it’ll break me again.”
the hard question #
dr. r: “are you afraid of grieving? or afraid of what happens to your trading if you grieve?”
me: “…fuck.”
dr. r: “which one?”
me: “both. september i lost $28k because i was emotional mess. november i recovered $23k because i was stable. if dec 31 breaks me, what happens to my account?”
dr. r: “so you’re holding grief at bay to protect your trading.”
me: “i’m trading to distract from grief.”
dr. r: “that’s not sustainable.”
me: “i know.”
silence.
dr. r: “what happens if you let yourself grieve without trading as buffer?”
me: “i fall apart. like september but worse.”
dr. r: “or you process it. with A. there. and come out other side.”
me: “what if i can’t trade after? what if grief breaks my edge?”
dr. r: “your edge comes from system, not emotion. september you traded emotionally. november you traded systematically. grief doesn’t break system. emotional trading does.”
she’s right but fuck it’s hard.
the september connection #
dr. r: “september disaster. let’s revisit. what actually happened?”
me: “A. said she wanted space. triggered abandonment shit. 18 days apart. couldn’t focus. revenge traded. lost $28k.”
dr. r: “and november recovery?”
me: “she came back. we worked through it. she moved in. stable routine. recovered account.”
dr. r: “so september disaster wasn’t grief about parents. it was abandonment fear about A.”
me: “…wait.”
dr. r: “you lost $28k in september not because you were grieving parents. but because you thought you were losing A. and that triggered grief about losing parents.”
me: “fuck. you’re right.”
dr. r: “so dec 31 anniversary. you’ll grieve parents. but A. isn’t leaving. you have stability september didn’t have.”
me: “but what if grieving affects trading anyway?”
dr. r: “then you don’t trade dec 31. you grieve. one day off trading won’t destroy recovery.”
the plan for dec 31 #
dr. r’s suggestion:
take dec 31 completely off.
no trading.
no checking markets.
just grieve with A.
me: “what about dec 24-30? christmas week?”
dr. r: “light trading. maintain routine but lower expectations. markets are dead anyway.”
me: “and after? january?”
dr. r: “fresh start. you’ll have processed anniversary. routine returns. normal conditions.”
what i’m realizing #
september disaster = abandonment trigger, not grief
december challenge = actual grief, but with stability
key difference:
september: alone, abandoned, no routine, emotional chaos → destroyed account
december: with A., stable routine, processing grief → maintain account through it
stability = buffer for grief.
A’s perspective #
told her after therapy.
A.: “what did dr. r say?”
me: “she said september disaster was about you leaving, not parents dying. and december will be hard but different because you’re here.”
A.: “she’s right. you spiraled in september because i left. not because of trading.”
me: “i’m scared dec 31 will break me the same way.”
A.: “it won’t. because i’m not leaving. and you’re taking that day off trading.”
me: “what if i’m a mess?”
A.: “then you’re a mess. and i’ll be here.”
me: “what if i cry all day?”
A.: “then cry all day. it’s the anniversary of your parents dying. you’re allowed to fall apart.”
the permission to grieve #
realizing:
i’ve been holding grief at bay for 11 months.
trading through it.
distracting with A., with sex, with routine.
dec 31 = permission to actually grieve.
no trading.
no distraction.
just feeling it.
terrifying.
necessary.
dr. r’s final point #
dr. r: “you’re not the trader who lost $28k in september. you’re the trader who recovered $23k in november. grief doesn’t erase that growth.”
me: “but what if—”
dr. r: “no what-ifs. you have system. you have routine. you have A. you have therapy. you have tools september didn’t have.”
me: “and if i fall apart anyway?”
dr. r: “then you fall apart. and rebuild. like you did in november.”
tonight #
sitting at desk.
trading paused (4pm close).
realizing:
been avoiding grief for 11 months.
dec 31 = it catches up.
scared.
also relieved.
permission to stop being strong.
permission to break.
permission to grieve.
4:30pm thursday. therapy processing anniversary dread. dr. r connected september disaster to abandonment not grief. december different because A. is here. taking dec 31 off trading to grieve. scared to fall apart. necessary to process. 24 days until anniversary.
-AK