therapy session yesterday (9/22).
talked about A. wanting to move in.
the situation #
timeline:
june 13: met at coffee shop
june 16: first date
september: became exclusive (3 months in)
september 17: A. asks if she should move in when lease ends (november)
september 21: me freaking out internally
current state:
she stays over 6-7 nights per week already.
has drawer, toothbrush, half my closet.
cooks dinner 4 nights/week.
we code together in comfortable silence.
sex is fantastic. kinky. bondage, toys, dom/sub play. both confident telling each other what we want.
so what’s the problem?
therapy session 9/22 #
dr. r: “she asked you to move in. what did you say?”
me: “let me think about it.”
dr. r: “and?”
me: “i’m thinking about it.”
dr. r: “for three days now. what are you afraid of?”
fuck. straight to it.
me: “losing someone else.”
dr. r: “your parents.”
me: “yeah. parents died. J. left twice. everyone leaves eventually.”
dr. r: “A. isn’t leaving. she’s asking to stay.”
that hit different.
the fear breakdown #
fear 1: if she moves in, i’ll fuck it up
longest relationship pre-A: 4 months (before parents died).
longest post-parents: 6 weeks (until A).
pattern: i get bored, bail, hurt people.
dr. r’s take: “you haven’t bailed on A. in 3 months. pattern already broken.”
fear 2: what if she sees the real me?
she stays over but it’s temporary.
moving in = permanent. can’t hide.
she’ll see me cry about my parents. see me lose money trading. see me fail.
dr. r’s take: “she already sees you. she’s choosing to stay anyway.”
fear 3: i’m 20 fucking years old
most people don’t move in with someone at 20.
am i rushing because i’m scared of being alone?
dr. r’s take: “are you alone right now?”
me: “no. she’s at my place.”
dr. r: “you’re not avoiding loneliness. you’re building connection. there’s a difference.”
what i’m not afraid of #
compatibility: we work great together.
communication: we tell each other everything. sex, feelings, needs.
independence: she has her own life, career, friends. not clingy.
attraction: she’s hot af. blonde, fit, great body. still can’t believe she’s with me.
trust: she knows about my therapy, dead parents, trading losses. hasn’t run.
the real question dr. r asked #
dr. r: “if you knew for certain A. wouldn’t leave, would you want her to move in?”
me: “…yes.”
dr. r: “so the question isn’t whether you want her. it’s whether you trust yourself not to sabotage this.”
fuck.
my pattern: avoidant attachment #
dr. r explained:
after parents died, i developed avoidant attachment.
push people away before they can leave.
control the abandonment = less pain.
previous girlfriends:
- M: bailed when she got clingy
- K: left when it got “too serious”
- S: broke up when she wanted commitment
- J: twice because she wanted more
pattern: intimacy triggers = i run.
with A: she doesn’t chase. gives space. secure attachment.
so i’m not running. but i’m still scared.
what A. doesn’t know #
she doesn’t know how scared i am.
she sees confident trader with server rack and chicago colocation.
she doesn’t see the kid who cries about his dead parents at 3am.
she doesn’t know i’m terrified she’ll realize i’m not worth staying for.
dr. r: “have you told her any of this?”
me: “no.”
dr. r: “maybe start there. vulnerability creates intimacy. avoiding vulnerability creates distance.”
the decision #
what i’m going to do:
-
tell A. i’m scared (be honest about fear)
-
tell her i want her to move in (be honest about desire)
-
tell her i might fuck this up but i’m trying not to (be honest about pattern)
timeline:
her lease ends november 1.
that’s 5 weeks away.
enough time to get used to the idea.
therapy homework #
dr. r gave me homework:
-
write down what i love about A. (not just physical)
-
write down fears about her moving in (be specific)
-
have vulnerable conversation with A. before next session
-
notice when i’m pushing away vs pulling close
what i love about A. (therapy homework) #
intelligence: she’s fucking smart. understands my code. asks I wondered that toos.
independence: has her own shit. doesn’t need me 24/7. comfortable alone.
communication: tells me what she wants. sex, food, time alone. no games.
stability: doesn’t freak out when i have bad trading days or cry about parents.
humor: laughs at my dark jokes. makes fun of my over-engineering.
sex: best i’ve ever had. kinky. confident. communicates.
acceptance: knows i’m broken from parents dying. stays anyway.
conversation with A. (tonight) #
planning to talk to her tonight (9/23).
going to tell her:
- i’m scared
- i want her to move in
- i might sabotage this
- i’m working on not doing that
see what happens.
worst case vs best case #
worst case: she realizes i’m too damaged. leaves. i’m alone again.
best case: she hears my fear. stays anyway. we build something real.
dr. r: “you can’t control which happens. you can only control whether you’re honest.”
update: had the conversation #
talked to A. after therapy yesterday (9/22 night).
told her everything. fear, pattern, therapy insights.
A: “i know you’re scared. i see it.”
me: “and you still want to move in?”
A: “yeah. i’m not going anywhere.”
me: “what if i fuck this up?”
A: “then we’ll figure it out. i’m not your ex-girlfriends. i’m not leaving because you’re complicated.”
she fucking gets it.
decision: A. is moving in november 1.
1:47pm saturday. had therapy. talked to A. she’s moving in november 1. i’m scared but doing it anyway. dr. r says that’s growth.
-AK