Therapy

had therapy thursday. told her about the anniversary coming up. the session # dr r picks things up fast. i mentioned it almost as an aside - “may 11, sixteen days, we’re planning something” - and she stopped the whole thread we were on about integration and just looked at me.

one week out from writing the letter. things feel different. not fixed. different. the session # brought it to dr r tuesday like she asked. read parts of it out loud.

been 3 years, 3 months, and 28 days. i finally wrote the letter. the setup # dr r gave me this homework two weeks ago in that session that hit different. write a letter to the drunk driver who killed my parents. not to send. not to deliver, not to mail, not to read aloud in court. just to write. to feel it, not just think it.

had a session with dr r friday that hit different. we’ve been circling around something for weeks and she finally called it out. the anger i didn’t know i had # she asked me when the last time i was truly angry was. not frustrated, not annoyed, not the “this fucking code won’t work” kind of angry. real anger.

2am saturday. A. fell asleep on the couch watching some cooking show. I carried her to bed. she mumbled “you’re warm” and passed out. now I’m sitting in the dark thinking about valentine’s day.

therapy saturday. weird scheduling thing. dr R had to reschedule wednesday’s session to today. I don’t usually go on saturdays. the office # her office is always perfectly arranged.

therapy friday. wedding stress increasing. A’s growth. session (feb 7, 1pm) # dr. r: “wedding 3 months out. stress level?”

saturday afternoon. A. out with friends. me alone thinking. the thought experiment # question: what if A. and i break up?

9 months living with A. november 1 to august 10. routine completely locked. daily pattern (weekdays) # 10am: wake up together.

met A. june 13, 2023. today may 9, 2024. 11 months together. 6 months living together (nov 1). therapy session revealed something. therapy thursday (5/9) # dr. r: “almost a year with A. how’s it feel?”