Grief

been 3 years, 3 months, and 28 days. i finally wrote the letter. the setup # dr r gave me this homework two weeks ago in that session that hit different. write a letter to the drunk driver who killed my parents. not to send. not to deliver, not to mail, not to read aloud in court. just to write. to feel it, not just think it.

had a session with dr r friday that hit different. we’ve been circling around something for weeks and she finally called it out. the anger i didn’t know i had # she asked me when the last time i was truly angry was. not frustrated, not annoyed, not the “this fucking code won’t work” kind of angry. real anger.

thanksgiving with A’s family done. first real family holiday since parents died. processing. thursday november 21 - the dinner # A’s family:

december done. one year since parents died. survived. december trading summary # weeks 1-3 (dec 1-23): light trading, barely functional

christmas eve tomorrow. barely present. just surviving. christmas week trading (dec 18-22) # light trading all week. results:

christmas week starting. trading light. grief heavy. week 3 trades (dec 13-15) # wednesday 12/13: 2 trades, 2 wins. +$880

therapy today (thursday 12/7). processing anniversary dread. dr. r asked hard questions. the session # dr. r: “dec 31 is 24 days away. how are you feeling?”

thanksgiving done. first holiday with A. first holiday without parents. different. wednesday 11/22 - half day trading # morning trades: 2 setups before early close.

therapy session tuesday and thursday this week. processing losing A. processing trading collapse. tuesday session (10/3) # dr. r: “you went to her place. she didn’t answer.”

A. hasn’t been here since sunday. 5 days without her. i fucked up. what happened (sunday 9/24) # she came over sunday morning.