december done.
one year since parents died.
survived.
december trading summary #
weeks 1-3 (dec 1-23): light trading, barely functional
christmas week (dec 24-28): off
anniversary week (dec 29-31): off
total december trades: 31
december wins: 18
december losses: 13
win rate: 58%
account final numbers #
starting (dec 1): $362,560
ending (dec 31): $366,200
december gain: +$3,640 (+1.00%)
2023 final balance: $366,200
Figure 1: December survival mode. Minimal trading first 3 weeks, completely off Dec 24-31 for Christmas and anniversary. Account maintained through grief season. Shaded region shows no trading period.
comparing november recovery to december survival #
november (recovery month):
- 67 trades, 84% win rate
- +$23,480 (+6.92%)
- stable routine, focused execution
- climbing back to sept peak
december (survival month):
- 31 trades, 58% win rate
- +$3,640 (+1.00%)
- grief fog, holiday conditions
- just maintaining through pain
Figure 2: Recovery vs Survival. November showed climbing performance post-recovery. December showed grief’s impact - win rate dropped 26%, profit dropped 85%, but system held. Survival = success.
christmas with A’s parents #
christmas eve (dec 24):
A. invited me to her parents’ house.
first time meeting them.
nervous AF.
her parents: warm, welcoming, didn’t mention my parents dying until i brought it up.
her dad: software engineer. talked tech all evening. comfortable.
her mom: made too much food. reminded me of my mom. hit hard but okay.
A’s siblings: two brothers. younger. gave me shit. normal family dynamics.
stayed overnight christmas eve.
woke up christmas morning in A’s childhood bedroom.
weird but grounding.
christmas day (dec 25) #
morning: presents with A’s family. they got me stuff. wasn’t expecting it. felt… included.
afternoon: big family dinner. 12 people. loud. chaotic. reminded me what i lost but also what i have now.
evening: drove back to our apartment. exhausted but okay.
A. (in car): “you did good today.”
me: “your family is nice. different from mine but nice.”
A.: “they liked you. dad said you’re ‘appropriately nerdy.’”
me: “high praise.”
A.: “also mom asked if we’re getting married.”
me: “…what did you say?”
A.: “told her we’re taking it one day at a time. she said that’s smart.”
not ready for that conversation.
but didn’t run from it either.
growth.
dec 31 - one year anniversary #
today.
one year since parents died.
car crash.
drunk driver.
new year’s eve.
took full day off trading.
just me and A. at home.
morning: stayed in bed late. didn’t talk much. A. just held me.
afternoon: looked through photos. parents alive. normal moments. didn’t realize would be last ones.
A.: “tell me about them.”
me: told her everything. dad’s terrible jokes. mom’s cooking obsession. how they met. how they’d fight over stupid shit then laugh 5 minutes later. normal family stuff.
evening: ordered in. watched movies. just existed together.
A.: “you’re doing okay.”
me: “doesn’t feel okay.”
A.: “you’re here. you’re functional. you didn’t spiral. that’s okay.”
what’s different from september #
september disaster (A. left for 18 days):
- $28k lost
- emotional chaos
- revenge trading
- couldn’t function
- spiraled completely
december (one year anniversary):
- $3,640 gained
- grief present but managed
- reduced trading, not revenge trading
- functioned at slower pace
- didn’t spiral
key difference: A. didn’t leave.
stability through grief.
2023 full year review #
starting balance (jan 1): $400,000 (inheritance from parents)
ending balance (dec 31): $366,200
year result: -$33,800 (-8.45%)
but the real development:
jan-aug: learning, losing slowly sept: disaster month (-$28k) oct: recovery start nov: full recovery (+$23k) dec: survival mode (+$3.6k)
Figure 3: Complete 2023 trading progress. Started $400k (inheritance), lost through learning, crashed in September disaster, recovered in November, survived December. Ended $366k. Not about profit - about learning to trade through grief.
what 2023 taught me #
losing money:
lost $180k total in 2023 learning what doesn’t work.
expensive education.
september disaster:
emotional trading destroys accounts.
abandonment triggers = $28k lessons.
november recovery:
systematic trading works.
stability enables performance.
A. moving in = routine = results.
december survival:
grief doesn’t prevent trading.
it slows it down.
that’s okay.
strategy evolution #
started 2023: no strategy, paper trading concepts
mid 2023: testing mean reversion and momentum
sept disaster: emotional override, no system
nov-dec recovery: mean reversion primary, momentum secondary
win rates:
- sept: 12%
- nov: 84%
- dec: 58%
same strategies. different execution.
looking ahead to 2024 #
january goals:
fresh start.
normal market conditions (holidays over).
full risk (0.5% per trade).
target: +$5-8k month baseline.
yearly goals:
consistency over growth.
monthly profit target: +$5k minimum.
avoid september-style disasters.
what i know now:
grief and trading coexist.
stability = prerequisite for performance.
A. = stability.
system works if i work system.
tonight (dec 31, 10:30pm) #
sitting on couch.
A. next to me.
one year since parents died.
survived it.
didn’t spiral.
didn’t destroy account.
just… existed through it.
2024 starts tomorrow.
fresh year.
processed grief (mostly).
stable relationship.
account recovered.
ready for different year.
10:30pm dec 31. one year anniversary. parents died this day last year. survived december on +$3,640. met A’s parents christmas. took today off trading, just existed with A. 2023 done: -$33k but learned everything. 2024 tomorrow. ready.
-AK