week 2 december done.
barely breakeven.
mental fog increasing.
week 2 trades (dec 8-12) #
friday 12/8: 2 trades, 1 win. +$280
monday 12/11: 3 trades, 2 wins. +$540
tuesday 12/12: 4 trades, 2 wins. -$760
week total: +$60
account status #
dec 5: $362,960
dec 12: $363,020
december progress: +$460 (+0.13%)
in effect flat.
comparing to november #
november average week: +$5,870
december average week: +$230
25x slower.
why:
holiday volume.
choppy markets.
mental focus degrading.
anniversary 19 days away.
tuesday’s struggle #
4 trades. 2 wins, 2 losses.
breakdown:
- SPX iron condor: +$620
- QQQ put spread: +$480
- TLT momentum: stopped out, -$940
- ES futures: stopped out, -$920
net: -$760
second losing day this month.
both losses on momentum trades.
strategy adjustment #
pausing momentum trading through end of year.
reason:
momentum requires sharp focus.
mental fog from anniversary = slower reaction time.
choppy holiday markets = false signals.
5 momentum trades december:
- 1 win, 4 losses
- net: -$1,480
doesn’t work right now.
focusing mean reversion only until january.
mental fog #
symptoms:
zoning out during trading hours.
missing entries i would’ve taken in november.
slower decision-making.
replaying memories mid-trade.
example (monday):
watching SPX setup.
started thinking about dad’s office.
missed entry by 2 minutes.
setup worked. would’ve been +$800.
cost of grief: opportunity loss.
therapy friday (12/8) #
dr. r: “how’s trading?”
me: “struggling. barely breakeven. missing trades because i’m in my head.”
dr. r: “in your head about what?”
me: “last christmas. dad and i watching football. mom cooking. normal shit. didn’t know it was last one.”
dr. r: “anniversary is 23 days away. grief is accelerating.”
me: “it’s affecting trading. can’t focus. should i stop until january?”
dr. r: “what would stopping do?”
me: “…give me permission to fall apart.”
dr. r: “you don’t need permission. you need to integrate grief with trading, not avoid one for the other.”
me: “how?”
dr. r: “trade your system. when memories come, note them. don’t fight them. then return to system.”
easier said than done.
christmas approaching #
christmas last year: normal. parents alive. family dinner. didn’t know it was last one.
christmas this year: with A. first without parents. 13 days away.
dreading it.
living with A. through december #
sunday night (12/10):
A.: “you’ve been quiet all weekend.”
me: “thinking about christmas. last year with parents.”
A.: “what do you want to do this year?”
me: “i don’t know. feels wrong to celebrate.”
A.: “then we don’t celebrate. we make it whatever you need.”
me: “what if i just want to pretend it’s not happening?”
A.: “then we order chinese food and watch movies.”
me: “really?”
A.: “really. it’s your first christmas without them. there’s no right way to do it.”
this is why it works.
no pressure to be okay.
the places list (needed reset) #
saturday night.
mental fog all day.
needed to get out of my head.
me: “want to add to the list?”
A.: “where?”
me: “parking garage. empty level. late night. city lights.”
A.: “you’re insane.”
me: “need something to feel present. not stuck in memories.”
A.: “okay. but we’re being quick. it’s fucking cold.”
places list updated: parking garage top level, december night, city view.
worked. reset focus.
win rate continuing drop #
november: 84%
december week 1: 56%
december week 2: 50% (8 trades, 4 wins)
december combined: 53%
expected given:
- holiday markets
- mental fog
- paused momentum (worst performing)
- more selective entries
maintaining system = what matters.
even with lower win rate, still breakeven.
risk management holding #
still 0.5% risk per trade.
3-loss circuit breaker: not needed yet.
tuesday: 2 losses, stopped for day.
filters working.
passing 85% of potential setups (was 70% november).
ultra-selective during fog.
december target status #
original target: +$3-5k
current pace: +$460 in 2 weeks = +$920/month
way below target.
acceptable given:
- grief season
- holiday markets
- christmas approaching
- dec 31 off (anniversary)
new realistic target: +$1-2k month = success
what i’m learning #
grief doesn’t pause for trading.
can’t compartmentalize.
memories come mid-trade.
options:
- fight them (doesn’t work, affects focus more)
- stop trading (avoidance, not solution)
- integrate them (dr. r’s advice, fucking hard)
trying option 3.
note the memory.
feel it briefly.
return to system.
not mastered yet.
tonight #
sitting at desk.
week 2 barely breakeven.
christmas 13 days away.
anniversary 19 days away.
grief building.
trading suffering.
A. holding space.
3:18am wednesday. week 2 december. +$60. barely breakeven. mental fog increasing as anniversary approaches. pausing momentum trades, focusing mean reversion only. christmas 13 days, anniversary 19 days. grateful A. doesn’t need me functional.
-AK