christmas week starting.
trading light.
grief heavy.
week 3 trades (dec 13-15) #
wednesday 12/13: 2 trades, 2 wins. +$880
thursday 12/14: 3 trades, 2 wins. +$420
friday 12/15: 2 trades, 1 win. +$180
week total (3 days): +$1,480
account status #
dec 12: $363,020
dec 15: $364,500
december progress: +$1,940 (+0.53%)
best week december so far.
why the improvement #
paused momentum trading.
mean reversion only.
fewer trades = higher quality.
accepted lower expectations.
stopped fighting grief.
when memories come mid-trade:
pause 30 seconds.
note the memory.
feel it briefly.
return to system.
dr. r’s advice working.
christmas planning (or avoiding) #
christmas is 9 days away.
last year: normal family dinner, parents alive, didn’t know it was last one.
this year: first without them.
A. and i decided:
no big celebration.
chinese food.
movies.
pretend it’s just another day.
avoiding vs coping?
don’t know.
don’t care.
survival mode.
therapy tuesday (12/12) #
dr. r: “christmas in 13 days. how are you planning it?”
me: “not celebrating. chinese food and movies with A.”
dr. r: “avoiding or coping?”
me: “what’s the difference?”
dr. r: “avoiding is running from pain. coping is acknowledging pain while moving through it.”
me: “then… both? acknowledging it hurts. choosing not to pretend to celebrate.”
dr. r: “that’s coping. you’re not pretending you’re fine. you’re making space for grief.”
me: “what about trading? still struggling to focus.”
dr. r: “you’re doing better this week. why?”
me: “stopped fighting memories. let them come. then return to trading.”
dr. r: “integration. grief and trading coexist. that’s the work.”
the memories #
what hits randomly:
dad watching football, yelling at tv.
mom in kitchen, christmas music playing.
wrapping presents together.
christmas morning pancakes.
all normal shit.
all gone.
hits hardest when unexpected.
tuesday during trade setup, memory of dad’s laugh.
stopped trading 5 minutes.
cried at desk.
resumed after.
trade worked. +$520.
grief doesn’t prevent function.
fighting grief does.
living with A. during this #
monday night (12/11):
watching tv.
christmas commercial.
me: started crying.
A.: muted tv. came over. held me.
didn’t ask questions.
just held me.
after 10 minutes:
A.: “you okay?”
me: “christmas commercial. dad loved christmas. would blast music. annoyed the neighbors.”
A.: “sounds like him.”
me: “he was loud about everything. embarrassing sometimes. miss it now.”
A.: “you’re allowed to miss him. especially now.”
this is why it works.
she doesn’t try to fix it.
just holds space.
anniversary countdown #
15 days until dec 31.
one year since they died.
already planned:
no trading that day.
take full day off.
just grieve with A.
scared of falling apart.
also ready for it.
been holding together 11 months.
strategy focus #
mean reversion only through end of year.
reason:
requires less sharp focus.
setup-driven, not momentum-driven.
works in choppy markets.
december mean reversion stats:
12 trades, 9 wins (75%)
net: +$3,420
working.
reduced trading schedule #
this week: 3 days traded (wed-fri)
next week (christmas):
mon-wed: light trading
thu (christmas): off
fri: maybe 1-2 trades
week after (new year):
mon-wed: light trading
thu (dec 31 anniversary): OFF
fri (jan 1): off
really 2.5 weeks light trading.
december target dead.
original: +$3-5k
realistic now: +$2-3k
current: +$1,940
need $60-1,060 more.
achievable if maintain this week’s pace.
win rate recovering slightly #
december week 1: 56%
december week 2: 50%
december week 3: 71% (7 trades, 5 wins)
improvement from:
- pausing momentum
- fewer trades
- higher quality setups
- integrating grief instead of fighting it
what’s working #
1. accepting lower output
not trying to match november pace.
survival mode is okay.
2. integrating grief
memories come. feel them. return to trading.
3. A’s support
she holds space without fixing.
4. therapy guidance
dr. r’s framework helping.
5. strategy adjustment
mean reversion only = right move.
the places list #
thursday night.
needed connection after emotional day.
me: “list?”
A.: “here? we’re home.”
me: “bedroom. window open. december cold. stars visible.”
A.: “it’s 40 degrees outside.”
me: “exactly. need to feel something besides grief.”
places list updated: bedroom, window open, december night, freezing cold, stars visible.
worked. grounded in present, not past.
looking ahead #
next week: christmas (mon-fri, light trading)
week after: new year (dec 31 anniversary, no trading)
january: fresh start, normal conditions, processed grief
tonight: 9 days until christmas. 15 days until anniversary. trading holding together. grief coexisting. A. supporting.
4:05am saturday. week 3 december. +$1,480. best week this month. pausing momentum working. grief integrating not fighting. christmas 9 days, anniversary 15 days. survival mode engaged. grateful for A.
-AK