therapy session tuesday and thursday this week.
processing losing A.
processing trading collapse.
tuesday session (10/3) #
dr. r: “you went to her place. she didn’t answer.”
me: “yeah. stood there 10 minutes. she was inside. heard her. she didn’t open the door.”
dr. r: “what does that tell you?”
me: “that she’s done with me.”
dr. r: “or that she needs more time than you’re giving her.”
me: “it’s been 10 days.”
dr. r: “you asked for space. she’s giving it to you. maybe she’s processing too.”
didn’t think of it that way.
dr. r: “tell me about trading.”
me: “-$3,165 in 8 days. all emotional trades. took 2 weeks off.”
dr. r: “good. what are you feeling?”
me: “empty. can’t focus. can’t sleep. can’t stop thinking about her.”
dr. r: “sounds like grief.”
me: “parents died. that’s grief. this is different.”
dr. r: “loss is loss. you’re grieving the relationship. the future you planned with her.”
fuck. she’s right.
comparing two losses #
parents (dec 31, 2022):
- sudden. car crash. no warning.
- couldn’t control it.
- grief = anger at universe.
A. (sept 24, 2023):
- slow. fight. had warning signs.
- could’ve controlled it.
- grief = anger at myself.
dr. r: “which is harder?”
me: “this one. because it’s my fault.”
the guilt spiral #
what i did:
- told A. i wanted her to move in
- she terminated her lease
- i panicked when it got real
- i asked for space
- she left
- now she won’t talk to me
guilt: she trusted me. i broke that trust.
dr. r: “what would you tell a friend in this situation?”
me: “that they fucked up but they’re human. everyone makes mistakes.”
dr. r: “can you give yourself that same compassion?”
me: “no.”
dr. r: “why not?”
me: “because i knew better. you warned me about this pattern. i did it anyway.”
the pattern breakdown #
dr. r: “let’s look at the pattern. what triggers the push-away?”
me: “intimacy. when it gets real.”
dr. r: “and with A., what got real?”
me: “lease termination. moving in. permanent. no exit strategy.”
dr. r: “so you created an exit.”
me: “yeah.”
dr. r: “and now?”
me: “now i have the exit i created. and i hate it.”
thursday session (10/5) #
dr. r: “how’s trading?”
me: “didn’t trade. paper trading only.”
dr. r: “how’s that going?”
me: “6 paper trades. 4 wins. system still works when i follow it.”
dr. r: “and the difference between paper and real?”
me: “paper = no emotions. real = can’t stop thinking about A.”
dr. r: “so the system isn’t broken. you are.”
me: “thanks for that.”
dr. r: “i mean you’re grieving. you can’t trade effectively while grieving. that’s normal.”
trading and grief comparison #
after parents died (jan 2023):
- started trading with inheritance
- lost $180k first 6 months
- emotional trading, revenge trading, no discipline
- needed NexusFi community support
after A. left (sept 2023):
- lost $3,165 in 8 days
- same patterns: emotional trading, revenge trading, no discipline
- trading stopped to prevent more damage
dr. r: “you see the parallel?”
me: “loss fucks up my trading.”
dr. r: “loss fucks up your decision-making. trading just measures it.”
the real question #
dr. r: “do you want A. back?”
me: “yes.”
dr. r: “have you told her that clearly?”
me: “texted. she doesn’t reply.”
dr. r: “text isn’t clear. text is safe. you need to be vulnerable.”
me: “tried. went to her place. she didn’t answer door.”
dr. r: “one visit after 10 days of silence. maybe not enough.”
me: “how many times do i show up before it’s stalking?”
dr. r: “write her a letter. physical paper. explain everything. tell her you want her back. give her space to process it. then wait.”
the letter assignment #
dr. r gave me homework:
write A. a letter. handwritten. mail it.
include:
- i’m sorry for panicking
- i want you to move in
- i’m scared but willing to work on it
- therapy is helping me understand the pattern
- i love you (if true)
me: “what if she doesn’t respond?”
dr. r: “then you tried everything. and you can start accepting it’s over.”
do i love her? #
sitting with this question for 3 days.
what is love?
- miss her constantly? yes.
- feel empty without her? yes.
- want her future, not just present? yes.
- willing to work on my shit for her? yes.
- scared of losing her? yes.
- devastated that i did? yes.
conclusion: yeah. i love her.
never said it to her.
should’ve said it.
maybe letter is the place.
trading recovery plan #
oct 2-14: 2 weeks off (paper trading only)
oct 15: if emotionally stable, resume with 0.25% risk
oct 15-31: slow ramp back to 0.5% risk if stable
november: back to normal if A. situation resolved (either back together or accepted it’s over)
dr. r: “you can’t trade effectively while in limbo.”
she’s right.
need resolution. either she comes back or i accept she won’t.
other grief processing #
talked about parents too:
10 months since they died (dec 31, 2022).
mostly healed but losing A. = reopened parent grief.
dr. r: “trauma compounds. losing A. retriggered losing your parents.”
me: “everyone i love leaves or dies.”
dr. r: “you’re 20. you’ve lost a lot. but not everyone leaves. you pushed A. away. that’s different than her choosing to leave.”
semantic difference but important one.
the self-fulfilling prophecy #
dr. r explained again:
“scared of abandonment → push people away → they leave → confirms fear of abandonment → repeat”
break the cycle:
- recognize the pattern (done)
- work on attachment in therapy (doing)
- communicate fear instead of acting on it (failed with A.)
- try again next time if A. doesn’t work out
accepting possibility she’s gone #
dr. r: “you might lose her. that might happen. can you accept that?”
me: “no.”
dr. r: “you’ll have to eventually. the letter is your last effort. if she doesn’t respond, you have to let go.”
me: “how?”
dr. r: “one day at a time. process the grief. learn from it. don’t do it again with next person.”
me: “there won’t be a next person.”
dr. r: “you’re 20. there will be. but first, finish grieving this one.”
homework for next week #
-
write letter to A. (handwrite, mail it)
-
include: apology, truth about wanting her back, love (if true), therapy progress
-
mail it by friday (10/6)
-
wait 1 week for response
-
if no response by 10/13: start acceptance process
-
continue paper trading, no real trades until stable
writing the letter tonight #
going to write it after posting this.
going to tell her everything.
going to mail it tomorrow.
going to wait.
if she doesn’t respond = i tried everything.
then i start accepting she’s gone.
4:42pm thursday. therapy 2x this week. writing letter to A. tonight. mailing it tomorrow. last effort to fix this. if she doesn’t respond by 10/13, i have to start accepting she’s gone.
-AK