went to her place saturday (9/30).
she didn’t answer the door.
what happened #
drove to her apartment. 2pm.
car i bought her there (helped her get it 2 months ago).
she’s home.
knocked. waited.
knocked again. “A. it’s me. please. i need to talk.”
nothing.
knocked third time. “i’m sorry. i fucked up. please open the door.”
heard movement inside.
she was there. listening. not opening door.
stood there 10 minutes.
she never opened it.
drove home.
that night #
texted her: “i came by. i know you were there. i’m sorry. i want to fix this. please talk to me.”
read receipt. no reply.
sunday (10/1) #
didn’t trade. didn’t code. sat on couch.
apartment feels empty without her shit here.
no drawer of her clothes. no toothbrush. no her.
monday (10/2) #
tried to trade. forced myself.
morning: SPX put spread. -$380 (emotional trade, didn’t follow setup)
afternoon: revenge traded QQQ. -$445 (chased loss)
total: -$825
october starting like september ended.
what i lost #
best relationship i’ve had.
first girl since parents died who made me feel safe.
understood my trading. understood my grief. understood me.
and i destroyed it because i got scared.
therapy session 10/3 #
seeing dr. r tomorrow.
need to process:
- she didn’t open door
- 9 days no contact
- trading falling apart
- can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t focus
the pattern #
this is what i do.
get close to someone → panic → push away → lose them.
M., K., S., J. - all same pattern.
thought A. was different.
she was. but i’m not.
did the same thing again.
what dr. r was right about #
6 weeks ago: “your avoidance guarantees the abandonment you fear.”
me: thought i could change.
reality: changed nothing. pattern repeated.
result: self-fulfilling prophecy.
scared of losing A. → pushed her away → lost her.
trading impact continues #
september week 4: -$2,340
october day 1: -$825
total damage: -$3,165 in 8 days
can’t separate personal from trading.
when she left = focus left.
what i miss (day 9) #
her voice: haven’t heard it in 9 days.
her cooking: ate cereal 8 nights now.
her presence: apartment too quiet.
her understanding: when i cried about parents, she held me. no judgment.
her body: best sex i’ve ever had. kinky. confident. open communication.
her acceptance: knew i was broken. stayed anyway.
accepting reality #
she’s not coming back.
didn’t open door. won’t answer texts. it’s over.
i need to accept that.
i need to stop hoping.
i need to move on.
but i can’t.
the difference with A. #
previous girlfriends:
- M: 6 weeks. got bored. left.
- K: 8 weeks. too clingy. left.
- S: 5 weeks. boring. left.
- J: 3 months twice. left both times.
pattern: i left them. i controlled it.
A: she left me. she controlled it.
first time someone left me (besides parents dying).
first time i didn’t want them to leave.
first time i realized too late what i had.
what i should’ve done #
when she handed me lease papers:
not: “i need space”
but: “i’m scared but i want this. let’s do it.”
when she left:
not: text and wait
but: show up immediately. don’t give her time to build walls.
when she didn’t answer door:
not: leave after 10 minutes
but: stay. sit outside her door. show her i’m not giving up.
but i didn’t do any of that.
tomorrow’s therapy #
questions for dr. r:
-
how do i stop this pattern next time?
-
how do i trade through heartbreak?
-
how do i accept she’s gone?
-
how do i forgive myself for fucking this up?
october trading plan #
can’t trade like this.
proven that 8 days straight.
-$3,165 in emotional trades.
new plan:
-
take 2 weeks off trading (oct 2-14)
-
paper trade only
-
fix head first, then fix trading
-
when back: 0.25% risk until stable
acceptance #
A. was the best thing that happened to me since parents died.
and i destroyed it.
she tried to stay. i pushed her away.
she tried to get closer. i asked for space.
she tried to build something real. i got scared.
this is on me.
moving forward #
step 1: accept she’s gone
step 2: stop texting/calling her
step 3: therapy 2x per week
step 4: fix attachment shit so this doesn’t happen again
step 5: stop trading until head clear
step 6: forgive myself eventually
not there yet on step 6.
3:20pm monday. went to A’s place saturday. she didn’t answer door. 9 days no contact now. trading continues to collapse. -$825 today. taking 2 weeks off. can’t trade through heartbreak.
-AK