A. hasn’t been here since sunday.
5 days without her.
i fucked up.
what happened (sunday 9/24) #
she came over sunday morning.
lease paperwork in hand. november 1 move-in date.
excited. smiling.
A: “signed the lease termination. i’m officially moving in.”
me: staring at paperwork. panic rising.
A: “you okay?”
me: “yeah. just… that’s real now.”
A: “you said yes. we talked about this.”
me: “i know. i just… fuck. i don’t know.”
wrong thing to say.
the fight #
A: “you don’t know? you told me to move in.”
me: “i said yes but i’m still processing.”
A: “processing what? we’ve been together 3 months. i’m here every night. what’s different?”
me: “permanent is different. what if i fuck this up?”
A: “you’re fucking it up right now.”
me: “i’m scared okay? everyone leaves. my parents died. J. left twice. everyone fucking leaves.”
A: “i’m not everyone. i’m here. trying to stay. and you’re pushing me away.”
me: “i’m not pushing—”
A: “yes you are. you do this. therapy helped you see it. and now you’re doing it again.”
she was right. i was doing it again.
me: “i need time.”
A: “time for what? to sabotage this more?”
me: “i don’t know what i need. space maybe.”
wrong fucking thing to say.
A: “space. okay. you got it.”
she grabbed her stuff. drawer stuff. toothbrush. clothes.
me: “wait—”
A: “no. you said you need space. i’m giving it to you.”
she left.
that was sunday 11am.
haven’t seen her since.
5 days alone #
sunday: called her 4 times. no answer.
monday: texted. “can we talk?” read receipt. no reply.
tuesday: traded like shit. lost $620. texted her. “i’m sorry.” no reply.
wednesday: worse trading. -$580. couldn’t focus.
thursday: 3 losses same day. -$655. texted her. “i miss you.” nothing.
friday (today): therapy. didn’t trade. wrote this post instead.
therapy session 9/29 #
dr. r: “tell me what happened.”
told her everything. the fight. A. leaving. 5 days silence.
dr. r: “what are you feeling right now?”
me: “like i ruined the best thing in my life.”
dr. r: “why did you ask for space?”
me: “i panicked. she handed me the lease termination and it got real and i panicked.”
dr. r: “what were you afraid of?”
me: “same thing as before. losing her. so i pushed her away first.”
dr. r: “and now?”
me: “now i lost her anyway. but it’s my fault this time.”
silence.
dr. r: “you have a choice. you can let this be the pattern. or you can fight for her.”
me: “she won’t answer my calls.”
dr. r: “then show up. don’t text. don’t call. go to her place. be vulnerable in person.”
me: “what if she slams the door?”
dr. r: “then you tried. but you can’t fix this with text messages.”
what i miss #
her presence: apartment feels empty without her here.
her cooking: ate cereal 4 nights this week.
her understanding: when trading sucked, she got it. didn’t judge.
her body: sex was incredible. kinky. confident. miss that.
her silence: we could code together without talking. comfortable.
her acceptance: knew about parents, therapy, trading losses. stayed anyway.
what i fucked up #
1. timing
she was excited about moving in.
i killed that excitement with my panic.
2. communication
said “i need space” when i meant “i’m scared.”
she can’t read my mind.
3. trust
told her i wanted her to move in.
then panicked when it got real.
she trusted me. i broke that trust.
4. pattern
did exactly what dr. r warned me not to do.
pushed away when intimacy got real.
impact on trading #
can’t focus.
every trade: “what if A. doesn’t come back?”
every loss: “i deserve this for fucking up.”
every win: “doesn’t matter without her.”
lost $2,340 this week.
all emotional trades.
violating every rule.
can’t separate personal from trading.
what i’m doing #
1. showing up at her place tomorrow (saturday 9/30)
dr. r is right. can’t fix this with texts.
need to be vulnerable in person.
tell her:
- i’m sorry
- i panicked
- i want her to move in
- i’m scared but i want to try
- i love her (haven’t said this yet, maybe time to)
2. if she slams door
accept it. learn from it. don’t do this again with next person.
3. if she gives me another chance
don’t fuck it up again.
go back to therapy 2x/week if needed.
work on attachment shit.
4. either way
stop trading until head is clear.
can’t trade emotional.
proven that this week ($2,340 lesson).
worst case scenario #
she’s done. doesn’t give me another chance.
i lost the best relationship i’ve had.
first person since parents died who made me feel safe.
and i destroyed it because i was scared.
best case scenario #
she hears me out. gives me another chance.
i don’t fuck it up again.
she moves in november 1.
we build something real.
realization at 2am #
sitting here writing this.
apartment empty. quiet.
no A. cooking in kitchen. no A. in my bed. no A. period.
realized: the thing i was afraid of (losing her) happened because i was afraid of it.
self-fulfilling prophecy.
dr. r called it 6 weeks ago.
“your avoidance guarantees the abandonment you fear.”
fuck.
tomorrow #
going to her place.
going to tell her everything.
going to beg if i have to.
don’t care if that’s pathetic.
she’s worth it.
if you’re reading this A. #
i know you follow my blog (saw you reading it on your laptop that one time).
i’m sorry.
i panicked and i fucked up.
i want you to move in.
i’m scared but i want to try.
you make me better.
please give me another chance.
2:33am friday. haven’t seen A. in 5 days. going to her place tomorrow. going to fight for this. scared as fuck but doing it anyway.
-AK