july 4th. 20 years old today.
first birthday without my parents.
last year july 4th 2022 #
turned 19.
parents threw party at the house (san diego).
dad grilled steaks. mom made cake.
about 15 family friends came over.
watched fireworks from the deck.
normal boring suburban birthday shit.
this year july 4th 2023 #
parents dead 6 months.
no party. no family.
just me and A.
what A. did #
showed up at my place at noon with homemade cake.
chocolate with vanilla frosting. from scratch.
her: “happy birthday. you’re 20 now. officially not a teenager anymore”
me: “thanks. this is… really fucking nice”
she knew today would be hard. didn’t make it weird.
how we spent it #
ate cake for lunch (fuck proper meals).
went to la jolla cove. watched tourists.
came back to my place. she cooked dinner (salmon, asparagus, potatoes).
watched fireworks from my balcony at 9pm.
the grief hit #
was fine all day until fireworks started.
saw them exploding. remembered last year watching with dad.
started crying on the balcony.
A. didn’t say anything. just held my hand.
cried for maybe 5 minutes. then it passed.
her: “you ok?”
me: “yeah. just… last year they were alive you know”
her: “i know”
didn’t try to fix it. just sat with me.
what i miss #
dad would’ve been proud of the trading progress (2 profitable months).
mom would’ve liked A. (smart, independent, good cook).
they would’ve loved the server rack setup (dad was engineer, would’ve nerded out).
they’ll never meet A. never see me succeed at trading. never see any of it.
therapy tomorrow #
seeing Dr. R wednesday 2pm.
going to talk about birthday and grief.
she’ll probably say some shit about “firsts are always hardest” or whatever.
she’s not wrong though.
trading today #
markets closed for july 4th holiday.
no trades. just processing emotions and eating cake.
A.’s reaction #
after i cried:
her: “want to talk about them?”
me: “not really. just miss them”
her: “ok. i’m here if you change your mind”
perfect response. no pressure. no fixing.
this is what healthy looks like.
reflection on 20 #
age 19:
- started: living at home, parents alive, paper trading
- ended: parents dead, $2M inherited, lost $180k learning to trade for real
age 20 starting today:
- trading consistently profitable (2 months in a row)
- dating someone healthy (A.)
- own place, server rack, systems working
- still grieving but mostly stable
life is weird. massive loss. also massive growth.
what’s next #
keep trading. keep seeing A. keep going to therapy.
process grief as it comes.
build the life my parents would’ve been proud of.
mental state tonight #
sad but ok.
cried but not broken.
miss them but moving forward.
A. was perfect today. didn’t try to replace them or fix me. just was there.
11:18pm tuesday. turned 20. first birthday without parents. A. made it bearable. miss them.
-AK