been with A. for 3 months now.
longest relationship since parents died.
how we met #
june 13. coffee shop in la jolla.
she was coding. macbook covered in stickers.
asked what she was working on. python data pipeline.
we talked tech for 2 hours.
exchanged numbers.
first date #
june 16. dinner at local taco spot. cheap, casual.
she asked about my servers at home.
showed her photos of the dell rack.
most girls glaze over. she asked technical questions.
that’s when i knew she was different.
three months in #
she stays over 4-5 nights per week now.
has drawer at my place. toothbrush, clothes, all her shit.
cooks dinner sometimes. teaches me recipes.
physical: blonde, fit (runs 5 miles daily), great tits, knows what she’s doing.
personality: smart, independent, doesn’t need constant attention.
compatibility: we can sit in same room, both coding, comfortable silence.
what’s different #
previous girlfriends:
M. - clingy AF, constant texts, lasted 6 weeks.
K. - fun but airhead, couldn’t talk about anything real, 8 weeks.
S. - hot but boring, nothing in common, 5 weeks.
J. - twice, both times crashed and burned under 3 months.
pattern: lost interest fast. always felt suffocating.
with A.: no pressure. she has her own life, i have mine. we merge when it makes sense.
therapy session yesterday (9/8) #
dr. r asked: “what’s different about this one?”
me: “i don’t feel trapped. she gives me space.”
dr. r: “sounds like secure attachment. rare for you.”
me: “is that supposed to be a compliment or diagnosis?”
dr. r: “both. your pattern is avoidant. you bolt when girls get close. A. isn’t chasing, so you’re not running.”
fuck. that hit.
parents and relationships #
realization from therapy:
after parents died, i avoided attachment.
couldn’t lose anyone else.
kept girls at distance. bailed before feelings developed.
A. is first person since parents where i’m not planning exit strategy.
the fears #
what if i fuck this up?
my track record is shit.
longest before parents died: 4 months.
after they died: 6 weeks max until A.
what if she leaves?
can’t lose someone else.
already lost parents.
but dr. r says avoiding connection = guaranteed to lose everyone eventually.
what’s next #
short term: keep doing what we’re doing. no pressure. no labels drama.
medium term: see where it goes. maybe she moves in eventually? too early to think about.
long term: no fucking clue. i’m 20. she’s 22. we’re both focused on careers.
trading impact #
positive: she understands when i’m in zone. doesn’t interrupt during trading hours.
negative: less late night coding time. she stays over, i go to bed earlier.
neutral: account still growing. +$1,480 this week. relationship not hurting performance.
the test #
september 31 will be 9 months since parents died.
first real anniversary with someone i care about.
if we’re still solid by then, this might actually work.
current feeling #
cautiously optimistic.
don’t want to jinx it.
but yeah. this feels different.
2:25pm saturday. three months with A. first time i’m not planning escape route. therapy helping me not fuck this up.
-AK