mailed letter to A. yesterday (10/6).
now i wait.
what i wrote #
3 pages. handwritten.
hardest thing i’ve written.
page 1: apology
- panicked when moving in got real
- asked for space when i meant “i’m scared”
- pushed you away when you tried to get closer
- broke your trust
- this is on me
page 2: truth
- i want you to move in
- i’m scared but willing to work on it
- therapy helping me understand attachment patterns
- you make me better
- first person since parents died who made me feel safe
page 3: vulnerability
- i love you (first time saying it)
- miss you every fucking day
- apartment empty without you
- can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t focus
- trading collapsed without you
- please give me another chance
sealed it. mailed it.
USPS says 2-3 day delivery.
she should get it today or monday (10/7-10/9).
the waiting #
worst part: not knowing if she’ll read it.
maybe she sees my handwriting on envelope. throws it away.
maybe she reads it. doesn’t respond anyway.
maybe she reads it. needs time.
maybe she reads it. gives me another chance.
don’t know.
can’t control it.
just wait.
dr. r’s instruction #
dr. r: “after you mail it, wait 1 week. if no response by 10/13, you start accepting it’s over.”
me: “what if she needs more than a week?”
dr. r: “then she can tell you that. but you can’t wait forever. at some point, silence is an answer.”
day 14 without her #
2 weeks since fight (9/24).
2 weeks since i’ve seen her.
2 weeks since i’ve heard her voice.
longest we’ve gone without talking since we met (june 13).
what i’m doing while waiting #
1. paper trading
8 trades since taking break.
6 wins, 2 losses (75% win rate).
proving system works when i follow it.
2. therapy 2x per week
tuesday and thursday sessions.
processing grief, attachment, loss.
3. not texting/calling her
letter is final message.
ball in her court now.
4. trying to eat
lost 8 pounds since fight.
not intentional. just can’t eat much.
5. coding at night
when can’t sleep (every night), code instead.
working on crypto altcoin strategy.
SOL, ADA, DOGE backtests.
keeps mind occupied.
what hasn’t changed #
still miss her.
every morning wake up reaching for her.
she’s not there.
every night cook dinner for one.
she’s not here.
every trade think “i should tell A. about this.”
can’t.
comparison to previous breakups #
M., K., S., J.:
- i left them
- felt relief
- moved on fast
- no regrets
A.:
- she left me (because i pushed)
- feel devastation
- can’t move on
- infinite regrets
difference: this time i didn’t want it to end.
if she doesn’t respond #
by 10/13 (1 week after she gets letter):
if no response = start accepting it’s over.
acceptance process (per dr. r):
- acknowledge: she’s not coming back
- grieve: the relationship, the future we could’ve had
- learn: don’t do this pattern again
- release: let her go, stop hoping
not there yet.
still hoping.
if she does respond #
best case: wants to talk. meet in person. work through it.
medium case: needs more time. still processing. not ready yet.
worst case: read letter. appreciate gesture. but done.
preparing for all three.
hoping for best case.
expecting worst case.
trading timeline #
oct 2-14: paper trading only (2 weeks off)
oct 15: decision point
- if A. situation resolved (back together or accepted over) = resume real trading 0.25% risk
- if still in limbo = extend break another week
can’t trade effectively in limbo.
need resolution one way or other.
reflection on 2 weeks #
september 24: had everything. great relationship. profitable trading. life good.
october 7: lost relationship. stopped trading. life chaos.
how fast it fell apart: scary.
how much control i had: none (because i gave it away by panicking).
what i learned: stability in personal life = stability in trading.
the hope vs acceptance balance #
dr. r: “you can hope she responds. but prepare for her not to.”
me: “how do i do both?”
dr. r: “hope is what you want. acceptance is what you need. hold both.”
trying to do that.
hoping every time phone buzzes it’s her.
preparing for it never being her.
what i’ll do if she responds #
immediate:
- meet in person
- listen without defending
- apologize again
- tell her i’m working on attachment shit
- ask what she needs from me
- commit to therapy, communication, vulnerability
if she gives me another chance:
- don’t fuck it up again
- follow through on commitments
- keep working on patterns
- prove i can be trusted
what i’ll do if she doesn’t #
first week (10/13-20):
- let myself grieve
- don’t trade yet
- therapy 2x per week
- process the loss
second week (10/20-27):
- start accepting it’s over
- resume trading carefully
- focus on recovery
third week (10/27-nov 3):
- back to normal trading (maybe)
- move forward
- don’t repeat pattern with next person
the waiting continues #
letter in mail.
she has it by now or will monday.
nothing to do but wait.
check phone every 10 minutes.
nothing.
tomorrow: same.
monday: same.
tuesday through friday: same.
october 13: if still nothing, start acceptance process.
until then: hope and prepare simultaneously.
2:53pm saturday. mailed letter yesterday. waiting for response. 14 days without her. miss her every fucking day. paper trading going okay. real trading on hold until A. situation resolves. hoping. preparing. waiting.
-AK