lost $15k today.
single worst trading day since march.
can’t do this without her.
what happened #
woke up: checked phone. no response from A. to the letter.
9:30am: tried to trade. SPX put spread. -$2,840 (emotional entry, no setup)
10:15am: revenge trade QQQ. -$3,150 (chased loss)
11:30am: forced NQ momentum. -$2,680 (no volume confirmation, ignored filters)
1:00pm: crypto BTC. -$3,220 (panic sold bottom)
2:30pm: more revenge trading. -$3,110 (don’t even remember the trade)
total: -$15,000
account damage #
oct 7: $359,780
oct 9: $344,780
drawdown: -$15,000 (-4.2%)
worst single day loss this year.
why i traded #
shouldn’t have.
knew i was emotional.
knew i should stay paper trading.
but couldn’t help it.
needed to feel control over something.
trading is only thing i can control.
relationship = can’t control. A. won’t respond.
parents = couldn’t control. they died.
but trading = my system, my rules.
except when i’m emotional, i control nothing.
every trade today #
ALL violations.
- no proper setups (forced entries)
- oversized positions (2x normal size)
- ignored stop losses (let losses run)
- revenge traded (chased every loss)
- no filters applied (blocked nothing)
textbook emotional trading.
textbook destruction.
the pattern #
after parents died (jan-mar 2023): lost $180k emotional trading
after A. left (sept 24-oct 9): lost $28k emotional trading ($3,165 + $25k this week)
pattern: loss in personal life = loss in trading
can’t separate them.
when life broken = trading broken.
16 days without her #
haven’t seen A. since sept 24.
16 days.
longest we’ve been apart since meeting (june 13).
mailed letter oct 6.
she should have it by now (oct 7 or 8).
no response.
starting to accept she’s not coming back.
at breaking point #
can’t sleep. lost 12 pounds. can’t eat.
apartment empty without her.
trading destroyed without her.
life meaningless without her.
never felt this desperate.
M., K., S., J. - didn’t care when they left.
A. - can’t function without her.
what therapy warned me about #
dr. r (6 weeks ago): “your avoidance guarantees the abandonment you fear.”
did exactly that.
pushed A. away when she tried to get closer.
now she’s gone.
and i’m drowning.
tomorrow #
taking tomorrow off trading.
can’t afford another $15k day.
account can’t take it.
i can’t take it.
just going to sit here.
check phone every 5 minutes.
hope she responds.
knowing she probably won’t.
desperate thoughts #
thinking about:
- showing up at her place again (but she didn’t open door last time)
- texting her (but dr. r said letter is final message)
- calling her (but she hasn’t answered in 16 days)
- giving up (but can’t do that either)
stuck in limbo.
can’t move forward without knowing.
can’t let go without trying everything.
the truth #
i need her.
not “want her.”
need her.
to sleep. to eat. to focus. to trade. to function.
first person since parents died who made me feel safe.
and i destroyed it.
if she reads this #
A., if you’re reading this:
i’m sorry.
i fucked up.
i’m not okay without you.
$15k gone today because i can’t focus.
$28k gone since you left.
trading collapsed.
i collapsed.
please respond to the letter.
please come back.
i need you.
11:47pm monday. worst trading day of the year. -$15k. all emotional. 16 days without A. desperate for her to respond. can’t do this anymore.
-AK