lost $10k today.
$25k in 2 days.
can’t breathe.
today’s destruction #
said i’d take day off.
didn’t.
morning: tried to recover yesterday’s losses
result: made it worse
trades:
- SPX: -$2,440
- QQQ: -$3,120
- NQ: -$2,890
- crypto: -$1,550
total: -$10,000
two-day damage #
monday: -$15,000
tuesday: -$10,000
total: -$25,000
account status #
oct 7: $359,780
oct 10: $334,780
drawdown from sept peak ($362,120): -$27,340 (-7.5%)
back to mid-august levels.
wiped out 6 weeks gains in 17 days.
why i can’t stop #
should stop trading.
know that.
dr. r said it. system says it. logic says it.
but can’t.
trading is only thing i have left.
parents: dead
A: gone
trading: only thing that’s mine
even though it’s destroying me.
the addiction #
this is what addiction looks like.
know it’s harmful: yes
know i should stop: yes
can i stop: no
why: because when i’m trading, i’m not thinking about A.
for 6 hours today, didn’t check phone.
focused on charts, setups, entries, exits.
all losing trades but didn’t think about her.
that’s worth $10k apparently.
17 days without her #
no response to letter.
no text. no call. no email.
silence.
complete silence.
she’s not coming back.
acceptance stage? #
dr. r’s timeline:
- mail letter: oct 6 ✓
- wait 1 week for response: oct 6-13
- if no response by oct 13: start accepting it’s over
today is oct 10.
3 more days until official acceptance.
but already know the answer.
she’s not responding.
it’s over.
i lost her.
what i destroyed #
3 months with A.:
- best relationship i’ve had
- first person since parents who made me feel safe
- understood my trading, grief, therapy
- kinky sex, great communication
- wanted to move in with me
what i did:
- panicked when it got real
- asked for space
- pushed her away
- lost her
result:
- 17 days alone
- $28k trading losses
- can’t sleep, eat, focus
- breaking point
breaking point defined #
physical:
- lost 12 pounds in 17 days
- sleep 2-3 hours/night
- can’t eat more than cereal
mental:
- can’t focus on anything
- check phone every 2 minutes
- trading like a degenerate gambler
- therapy 2x/week not helping
financial:
- $28k gone in 17 days
- largest drawdown since march ($180k loss)
- trending toward march disaster
the comparison #
march 2023 (after parents died):
- lost $180k in 3 months
- emotional trading, no discipline
- needed NexusFi community support
- took 6 months to recover
october 2023 (after A. left):
- lost $28k in 17 days
- pace: $49k/month if continues
- worse than march pace
- no support system (pushed everyone away)
if this continues: account goes to $0 by february.
tomorrow (oct 11) #
have to stop trading.
not “should stop.”
have to.
one more day like this = $30k+ losses in 3 days.
can’t afford it.
account can’t survive it.
the plan (if can stick to it) #
oct 11: no trading. therapy session. wait for A.’s response (probably not coming).
oct 12: no trading. force myself to eat. sleep if possible.
oct 13: dr. r’s deadline. if no response from A., start acceptance process.
oct 14+: either:
- A. responds (miracle) - fix relationship, then fix trading
- A. doesn’t respond (expected) - accept it’s over, grieve, then fix trading
what i know #
can’t trade through heartbreak.
proven that 17 days straight.
-$28k proof.
can’t force her back.
letter was last effort.
ball in her court.
silence is answer.
can’t keep doing this.
$25k in 2 days is not sustainable.
account won’t survive.
i won’t survive.
tonight #
sitting here.
apartment empty.
phone silent.
account destroyed.
life destroyed.
waiting for response that’s not coming.
10:18pm tuesday. another $10k gone. $25k in 2 days. account at $334k from $362k peak. 17 days without A. no response to letter. at breaking point. have to stop trading before nothing left.
-AK