A. is here.
she’s back.
can’t stop crying.
this morning #
woke up 6am. couldn’t sleep.
checked phone like i have every hour for 18 days.
text from A. (5:47am):
“got your letter. read it 3 times. can we talk? i’m coming over.”
sat there staring at phone for 10 minutes.
she’s coming over.
me: “yes. please. when?”
A.: “20 minutes.”
she arrived (6:15am) #
heard her car.
opened door before she knocked.
saw her face.
18 days since i’d seen her.
tried to say something.
couldn’t.
just grabbed her.
hugged her so fucking hard.
started crying.
couldn’t stop.
what i said (through crying) #
“i’m sorry”
“i fucked up”
“i’m so sorry”
“please don’t leave”
“i need you”
“i’m sorry”
“please”
over and over.
couldn’t stop apologizing.
couldn’t stop crying.
couldn’t let go of her.
what she said #
A.: “it’s okay. i’m here. it’s okay.”
held me while i cried.
didn’t pull away.
didn’t judge.
just held me.
A.: “i’m not leaving. i’m here.”
we sat on couch #
me: “you got the letter?”
A.: “yeah. got it friday (oct 6). read it like 10 times.”
me: “why didn’t you respond?”
A.: “needed time to process. you hurt me. the space thing hurt.”
me: “i know. i’m sorry. i panicked.”
A.: “i know. i read your letter. i know you were scared.”
what she told me #
A.: “i was miserable without you.”
me: “me too.”
A.: “saw your blog posts. the therapy one. the letter one. the desperate ones.”
fuck. she read all of them.
A.: “you really fell apart.”
me: “yeah. lost $28k trading. can’t sleep. can’t eat. lost 12 pounds. can’t function without you.”
A.: “i couldn’t function either. kept almost texting you. stopped myself.”
me: “why?”
A.: “because you needed to feel what pushing me away actually costs.”
fuck. she’s right.
the important part #
A.: “i love you too.”
first time she’s said it.
first time i’ve heard it from anyone except parents.
me: “you love me?”
A.: “yeah. that’s why this hurt so much. that’s why i needed time.”
me: “i’m sorry i hurt you.”
A.: “i know. your letter… the handwriting was shaky. you were crying when you wrote it.”
me: “how’d you know?”
A.: “water stains on page 3. and your handwriting got messier. you were breaking down.”
she knows me so fucking well.
the conditions #
A.: “i’m not going through this again.”
me: “you won’t. i promise.”
A.: “you said you wanted me to move in. do you still want that?”
me: “yes. fuck yes. move in today. november 1. whenever. yes.”
A.: “and when you get scared again?”
me: “i tell you i’m scared instead of asking for space.”
A.: “and therapy?”
me: “continuing. 2x per week. working on attachment shit.”
A.: “okay. then i’m staying.”
she’s staying #
not just today.
staying.
moving in november 1 still.
us again.
what happened next #
held her for 2 hours.
didn’t let go.
she didn’t try to leave.
made breakfast together (first meal in days that wasn’t cereal).
showed her the trading account.
her face when she saw -$28k losses.
A.: “holy fuck.”
me: “yeah. couldn’t focus without you.”
A.: “we’re fixing that. no trading until you’re stable.”
me: “okay.”
didn’t argue.
she’s right.
this afternoon #
she’s on couch coding.
i’m writing this.
normal. comfortable. right.
like last 18 days didn’t happen.
except they did.
and i won’t forget what it cost.
what i learned #
1. can’t trade through heartbreak
$28k lesson.
2. pushing her away doesn’t protect me
creates the loss i feared.
3. she loves me
even after i fucked up.
even after 18 days.
even after seeing me completely broken.
4. i love her
proved by 18 days of misery.
proved by $28k losses.
proved by not functioning without her.
the relief #
physical:
can breathe again.
ate full breakfast.
will sleep tonight.
mental:
brain works again.
can focus.
not checking phone every 2 minutes.
emotional:
not drowning.
not desperate.
not alone.
tomorrow (oct 12) #
no trading yet.
A. is right. need stability first.
therapy session.
tell dr. r that A. came back.
process what happened.
spend time with A.
don’t let go of her.
don’t fuck this up again.
to A. (if you’re reading this) #
thank you for coming back.
thank you for reading my letter.
thank you for loving me even when i’m a mess.
i’m not going to fuck this up again.
i promise.
4:35pm wednesday. A. texted this morning. came over. we talked. i cried. she stayed. she loves me. she’s not leaving. i’m not going to fuck this up again.
-AK