therapy today (friday).
told dr. r that A. came back.
dr. r’s reaction #
me: “A. came back.”
dr. r: [visible relief] “when?”
me: “wednesday morning. got my letter. texted at 5:47am. came over 20 minutes later.”
dr. r: “how do you feel?”
me: “like i can breathe again.”
processing the 18 days #
dr. r: “tell me about those 18 days.”
me: “worst days of my life. worse than when parents died.”
dr. r: “why worse?”
me: “parents was out of my control. this was my fault. i created the loss i feared.”
dr. r: “self-fulfilling prophecy. we talked about this.”
me: “yeah. lived it. $28k lesson.”
the trading collapse #
dr. r: “you lost $28,000?”
me: “yeah. $3k before she left. $25k in 2 days this week. monday $15k, tuesday $10k.”
dr. r: “what stopped you?”
me: “nothing. she texted wednesday morning. if she hadn’t… would’ve kept going until account was zero.”
dr. r: “that’s addiction behavior.”
me: “i know. trading was only thing i could control. except i couldn’t.”
why she came back #
dr. r: “what made her respond to your letter?”
me: “she read it multiple times. said she could tell i was crying when i wrote it. water stains on page 3.”
dr. r: “vulnerability.”
me: “what?”
dr. r: “you were completely vulnerable in that letter. no defenses. no walls. just raw emotion and truth.”
me: “i was desperate.”
dr. r: “desperation is vulnerability. that’s what she needed to see. not the confident trader with the server rack. the broken 20-year-old who lost his parents and was terrified of losing her too.”
fuck. she’s right.
the conditions A. set #
A.’s requirements:
- no pushing her away again
- tell her when i’m scared instead of asking for space
- continue therapy 2x/week
- she’s still moving in november 1
me: “i agreed to all of it.”
dr. r: “can you follow through?”
me: “i have to. i won’t survive losing her again.”
the pattern finally broken #
dr. r: “you’ve been running from intimacy your whole life. especially after your parents died.”
me: “yeah.”
dr. r: “this time you ran. she left. you hit rock bottom. and then you fought for her.”
me: “wrote the letter. showed up at her place. begged.”
dr. r: “you did something different. you didn’t just let her go like the others.”
me: “because she’s different.”
dr. r: “or because you’re different now. you experienced the consequence of pushing away. $28,000 and 18 days of misery. pattern interrupted.”
what i realized #
always before:
- intimacy gets real → i panic → i push away → i leave → i’m fine
with A.:
- intimacy got real → i panicked → i pushed away → she left → i collapsed
difference: i didn’t want her to leave. so i fought to get her back.
dr. r: “that’s growth. painful growth. but growth.”
the work ahead #
dr. r: “she came back. now the real work starts.”
me: “what work?”
dr. r: “proving you won’t do it again. rebuilding trust. actually moving her in november 1 without panicking.”
me: “i’m not going to fuck this up.”
dr. r: “you’ll get scared again. that’s guaranteed. the question is what you do with the fear.”
me: “tell her instead of running.”
dr. r: “exactly. communicate the fear instead of acting on it.”
homework #
dr. r assigned:
-
when scared/anxious about A.: tell her immediately. don’t sit with it.
-
daily check-in with A.: “what do you need from me today?”
-
therapy 2x/week through november 1 move-in.
-
no trading until emotionally stable (her rule, i agree).
-
journal: track when fear comes up, what triggers it, how i handle it.
the trading pause #
dr. r: “A. said no trading yet?”
me: “yeah. until i’m stable.”
dr. r: “smart woman. how long?”
me: “she didn’t say. probably until i can sleep/eat/focus normally.”
dr. r: “probably 2-3 weeks minimum. you lost $28k in emotional trades. need to rebuild before risking more.”
processing the $28k #
me: “i destroyed 6 weeks of gains in 18 days.”
dr. r: “you weren’t trading. you were numbing.”
me: “what?”
dr. r: “gambling, drugs, alcohol, trading - all ways to numb pain. you couldn’t feel the grief of losing A., so you traded compulsively. each loss confirmed you deserved the pain.”
me: “that’s fucked up.”
dr. r: “that’s trauma. your parents died. A. left. trading was the only thing you could control. except when traumatized, you can’t control anything.”
going forward #
dr. r: “what’s different now?”
me: “she’s back. i can think again.”
dr. r: “what happens when she leaves for work? or visits friends? or needs space for normal reasons?”
me: “…fuck.”
dr. r: “exactly. you can’t depend on her presence for stability. you need to be stable independently.”
me: “how?”
dr. r: “therapy. attachment work. learning that her needing space doesn’t mean she’s leaving. that’s the work.”
this weekend #
plans with A.:
- staying over tonight (first time in 18 days)
- cooking together
- watching movies
- being normal
what i need to remember:
- don’t cling too tight
- give her space when she needs it
- communicate fear instead of acting on it
- trust she’s not leaving
reflection #
worst 18 days of my life.
but broke the pattern.
fought for her.
she came back.
now have to prove i won’t fuck it up again.
5:25pm friday. therapy session processed A. coming back. dr. r says pattern finally broken but real work starts now. proving i won’t run again. she’s staying over tonight.
-AK