been 5 days since A. came back.
slow recovery.
but recovering.
this week (oct 11-16) #
wednesday: A. came back. cried for hours. relief.
thursday: she stayed over. slept 8 hours first time in 18 days. ate full meals.
friday: therapy. dr. r processed everything. A. stayed over again.
saturday-sunday: together. cooking. talking. processing. being normal.
monday (today): she stayed over 5 nights straight. like before.
what’s different #
1. i’m clingy
know it. trying not to be.
but when she goes to bathroom = anxiety spike.
when she leaves for work = check phone constantly.
A. noticed: “you okay? you’ve texted me 6 times today.”
me: “sorry. still adjusting.”
A.: “i’m not leaving. i’m just at work.”
working on it.
what’s same #
comfortable silence.
she codes. i code. no talking needed.
cooking together.
she teaches. i learn. we eat.
sex.
finally had sex again saturday night.
kinky. bondage. toys. communication.
familiar. safe. good.
understanding.
she gets my trading. my grief. my therapy.
doesn’t judge.
the conversation about trading #
A. (sunday night): “when are you going to trade again?”
me: “when you think i’m ready.”
A.: “that’s not my decision.”
me: “you said no trading until stable.”
A.: “i did. are you stable?”
me: “getting there. sleeping better. eating. can focus.”
A.: “but?”
me: “still anxious when you’re not here.”
A.: “that’s the work. you can’t depend on my presence for stability.”
dr. r said same thing.
paper trading started #
today (monday):
started paper trading again.
5 trades. all followed system.
3 wins, 2 losses (60% win rate).
net: +$840 (paper).
proved: system still works when i follow it.
question: can i follow it with real money?
A.’s answer: “not yet. wait another week.”
she’s right.
the $28k damage #
account status:
sept peak: $362,120
current: $334,780
drawdown: -$27,340 (-7.5%)
takes about 6 weeks good trading to recover.
or 1 really good month.
september: made +$3,670 in 3 weeks, lost -$2,340 in week 4 after fight
early october: lost -$25,000 in 2 days when desperate
total since fight (sept 24): -$27,340
the cost breakdown #
financial: $27k+ gone
physical: lost 12 pounds, sleep destroyed for 18 days
mental: couldn’t focus, constant anxiety, addictive trading
emotional: worst 18 days of my life
relationship: almost lost A. permanently
lesson: don’t push her away. costs everything.
therapy homework progress #
dr. r’s assignments:
-
✓ when scared: tell A. immediately (did this 3 times this week)
-
✓ daily check-in: “what do you need from me today?” (every morning)
-
✓ therapy 2x/week (fri + next wed scheduled)
-
✓ no real trading yet (paper trading only)
-
✓ journal fear triggers (tracking in private notes)
fear triggers this week #
when A. leaves for work:
- spike of “what if she doesn’t come back”
- rational brain: she’s going to work
- fear brain: last time she left, she didn’t come back for 18 days
when A. is quiet:
- spike of “is she mad at me”
- rational brain: she’s just focused on code
- fear brain: quiet = pulling away = leaving
when A. needs space:
- spike of “she’s done with me”
- rational brain: everyone needs alone time
- fear brain: space = abandonment
working on it.
what helps #
1. telling her when scared
“i’m feeling anxious about you leaving for work”
her: “i’m coming back. always.”
helps.
2. physical touch
holding hands. hugging. being close.
reassurance that she’s here.
3. routine
morning: breakfast together
day: both work (separately)
evening: dinner together
night: code or watch stuff together
predictable = safe
A.’s perspective #
A. (saturday morning): “you’re different since i came back.”
me: “how?”
A.: “more open. telling me when you’re scared. before, you’d just shut down.”
me: “losing you broke something. can’t shut down anymore.”
A.: “good. vulnerability is how this works.”
moving forward #
november 1: she’s still moving in (2 weeks away)
this week: continue paper trading, build stability
next week: maybe resume real trading (if stable)
therapy: 2x/week through november
goal: prove i won’t fuck this up again
tonight #
she’s asleep in my bed.
first time in 18 days that bed wasn’t empty.
first time i can sleep without checking phone every hour.
first time i feel okay.
3:12am monday. 5 days since A. came back. she’s staying. moving in nov 1 still. paper trading going well. real trading next week maybe. working on not being too clingy. proving i won’t fuck this up.
-AK