christmas eve tomorrow.
barely present.
just surviving.
christmas week trading (dec 18-22) #
light trading all week.
results:
mon 12/18: 1 trade, +$340 tue 12/19: 2 trades, +$520 wed 12/20: 1 trade, -$280 thu 12/21: 1 trade, +$180 fri 12/22: 0 trades (gave up)
week total: +$760
account status #
dec 15: $364,500
dec 22: $365,260
december progress: +$2,700 (+0.74%)
maintaining through survival mode.
friday gave up #
tried to trade friday morning.
sat at desk.
watched setup develop.
couldn’t execute.
brain fog too thick.
just sat there.
watching markets move.
paralyzed.
gave up 9am.
shut down monitors.
went back to bed.
A. didn’t judge.
what christmas feels like #
last year: normal. parents alive. mom cooking all day. dad watching football too loud. wrapping presents. family dinner. regular shit.
this year: empty. just me and A. no cooking. no presents. no family. just survival.
first christmas without them.
hurts different than expected.
not sharp pain.
just… absence.
everything feels hollow.
therapy tuesday (12/19) #
dr. r: “christmas is 6 days away. how are you doing?”
me: “not well. can’t focus. gave up trading twice this week.”
dr. r: “gave up how?”
me: “just… stopped. sat at desk. couldn’t execute. too much fog.”
dr. r: “what’s the fog?”
me: “memories. last christmas. they were here. now they’re not. can’t reconcile it.”
dr. r: “you’re grieving. that’s what grief looks like. not always tears. sometimes just fog.”
me: “but it’s affecting trading. can’t function.”
dr. r: “you’re functioning. you’re just functioning at grief pace. that’s slower. that’s okay.”
me: “doesn’t feel okay. feels broken.”
dr. r: “broken would be spiraling like september. you’re not spiraling. you’re grieving appropriately.”
distinction matters.
september: emotional chaos destroying account.
december: grief slowing me down but not destroying me.
different.
living with A. through this #
wednesday night (12/20):
A.: “you’ve been really quiet.”
me: “yeah.”
A.: “christmas stuff?”
me: “yeah. last year they were here. this year… absence.”
A.: “what do you need?”
me: “i don’t know. nothing. everything. i don’t know.”
A.: moved closer. put arms around me. didn’t say anything. just held me.
stayed like that 20 minutes.
sometimes that’s enough.
christmas plans (avoiding) #
christmas day plan:
sleep late.
chinese food for dinner.
movies.
pretend it’s not christmas.
A. agreed.
no decorations.
no presents.
no celebrating.
just surviving.
anniversary in 8 days #
dec 31: one year since parents died.
already planned:
no trading.
full day off.
just be with A.
scared of that day.
also need it.
11 months holding together.
dec 31 = permission to fall apart.
trading strategy abandoned #
gave up on strategy this week.
just… existing.
5 trades total (was averaging 12-15/week november).
barely engaged.
survival mode.
the places list (needed grounding) #
thursday night.
needed to feel present.
needed to feel anything besides absence.
me: “list?”
A.: “you sure? you’re not really here.”
me: “exactly. need to be here. in body. not just ghost.”
A.: “okay. where?”
me: “shower. hot water. steam. grounded in physical.”
places list updated: shower, december, steam, needed to feel present not absent.
worked briefly.
december target dead #
original target: +$3-5k
current: +$2,700
remaining days: 8 (but 2 are off - christmas, new year’s eve)
realistic remaining: 6 light trading days
final target: +$3k if lucky
given i can barely function, +$2,700 = success.
what i’m learning #
grief isn’t linear.
some days functional.
some days paralyzed.
can’t predict which.
september taught me: fighting grief destroys trading.
december teaching me: integrating grief slows trading but doesn’t destroy it.
key difference:
september: emotional revenge trading.
december: reduced output but systematic when trading.
tonight #
sitting on couch.
christmas eve tomorrow.
A. next to me.
she’s watching tv.
i’m just… here.
not really present.
just occupying space.
she doesn’t need me present.
just needs me here.
that’s enough.
3:45pm saturday. christmas eve tomorrow. barely present all week. gave up trading friday. fog too thick. +$760 week. just surviving. A. holding space. anniversary 8 days away. not celebrating christmas, just existing through it.
-AK