thanksgiving with A’s family done.
first real family holiday since parents died.
processing.
thursday november 21 - the dinner #
A’s family:
30 people total.
her parents’ house.
extended family everywhere.
my contribution:
showed up.
brought wine (A. picked it).
that’s it.
what happened #
6pm arrival:
her mom hugged me first (before A.).
“you’re family now.”
made A. cry.
made me… something.
dinner:
sat between A. and her dad.
her dad talked servers/tech whole time (comfortable).
her mom asked about wedding planning (fine).
her brothers gave me shit about “settling down” (expected).
i was quiet.
A. noticed.
held my hand under table.
8pm aftermath:
helped clean up (A’s mom insisted i didn’t have to).
her dad and i talked colocation setups (genuinely interesting).
9pm drive home:
A. quiet first 10 minutes.
then:
her: “you okay?”
me: “yeah. your family’s great.”
her: “you got really quiet at dinner.”
me: “just… lot of people.”
her: “lot of people or lot of family?”
me: “…second one.”
she held my hand whole drive.
didn’t push for more.
this is why i’m marrying her.
what i didn’t tell A. #
during dinner:
counted empty seats.
my side of family:
parents: dead.
extended family: don’t talk to them (haven’t since funeral).
wedding may 2025:
venue capacity: 45 people.
A’s family: 30 people.
my side: 5 friends from UCSD.
10 empty seats.
10 seats that should’ve been:
parents.
grandparents (dad’s side).
aunt/uncle maybe.
instead: empty.
grief hitting different #
usually:
numb.
factual.
“parents died dec 31, 2022.”
thanksgiving:
saw A’s family lively.
her mom planning everything.
her dad offering help.
siblings giving each other shit.
normal family.
i don’t have that.
won’t ever again.
hit hard.
what A’s mom said #
friday nov 22:
A’s mom texted me directly:
“thank you for coming thursday. you’re part of our family now. we love you.”
showed A.
she cried again.
me:
responded: “thank you for including me. means a lot.”
what i wanted to say:
“you’re the closest thing to parents i’ll have again.”
didn’t.
too heavy for text.
therapy session (nov 26) #
dr. r: “thanksgiving with A’s family. how’d it go?”
me: “good. weird. her mom said i’m family now.”
dr. r: “and that felt?”
me: “heavy. good but heavy. kept thinking about empty seats at wedding.”
dr. r: “10 seats your side should’ve had people.”
me: “exactly. A’s side: 30 people. my side: 5 friends, 10 empty.”
dr. r: “that’s the grief. not constant but hits at family moments.”
me: “yeah. usually i’m fine. then thanksgiving happens and… fuck.”
dr. r: “you told A.?”
me: “some. not all. didn’t want to make her thanksgiving about my dead parents.”
dr. r: “she’d understand.”
me: “i know. that’s why i’m marrying her. but still. timing.”
what A. doesn’t fully know #
she knows:
parents died dec 31, 2022.
i have grief moments.
thanksgiving was hard for me.
she doesn’t know:
i counted empty wedding seats during her family dinner.
her mom’s text almost made me cry (i don’t cry usually).
being called “family” after 2 years solo hits different.
will tell her eventually.
not during wedding planning stress.
comparing to past thanksgivings #
2019-2021 (parents alive):
our house.
mom cooked everything.
dad complained about football.
normal family thanksgiving.
2022:
parents alive (died dec 31).
last thanksgiving with them (didn’t know it).
2023:
first thanksgiving after parents died.
ordered chipotle.
alone in apartment.
numb.
2024:
A’s family.
30 people.
her mom called me family.
different.
better but complicated.
tonight (nov 28, 1:39am) #
thanksgiving done.
A’s family great.
her mom said “you’re family now.”
first family holiday since parents died.
good but heavy.
kept thinking about 10 empty wedding seats my side.
grief hits different at family moments.
A. knows some, not all.
processing.
1:39am thursday. thanksgiving A’s family done. 30 people. her mom hugged me first, said “you’re family now” - made A. cry. i got quiet (she noticed, held my hand). kept counting empty wedding seats (10 my side should’ve had parents/family). her mom texted friday “you’re part of our family, we love you” - almost made me cry. dr. r session: grief not constant but hits at family moments. A. knows some, not all. first real family holiday since parents died dec 31 2022.
-AK