had a session with dr r friday that hit different. we’ve been circling around something for weeks and she finally called it out.
the anger i didn’t know i had #
she asked me when the last time i was truly angry was. not frustrated, not annoyed, not the “this fucking code won’t work” kind of angry. real anger.
i said i don’t really get angry. i’m pretty chill.
she did that thing where she takes off her glasses and puts them on the desk. that’s her “we’re about to go deep” move. makes me nervous every time because she’s usually right about whatever comes next.
“you lost both parents at 19 years old in a car accident on new year’s eve. someone who was drunk decided to get behind the wheel and killed them. and you’re telling me you don’t have any anger about that?”
i sat there for a while. like a long while. she didn’t push. just waited.
then i said “if i let myself be angry about it, i don’t know if i can stop.”
what she said #
dr r explained that anger is a normal part of grief that i’ve been skipping over. said i went straight from shock to numbness to acceptance without ever processing the rage. she called it “emotional avoidance masquerading as maturity.”
fuck. she nailed it. i’ve been so focused on being okay - on building the algos, on being a good boyfriend, on functioning - that i never stopped to be angry about what happened.
some drunk asshole killed my parents. they were coming home from a new year’s eve party. they did everything right. uber was surging so dad said he’d drive since he only had one beer. mom was texting me happy new year at 11:58 PM. two minutes before midnight.
the other driver ran a red light at 60+ mph. my parents died on impact. the drunk driver survived with a broken collarbone.
i’ve told this story like a news report. facts, timeline, medical examiner’s report. dr r pointed out that i’ve never once expressed anger when telling it.
the exercise #
she asked me to say one angry thing about what happened. just one. didn’t have to be eloquent or fair or therapeutic. just true.
took me like 5 minutes.
“that guy got to wake up in a hospital and call his mom and tell her he was okay. my parents never woke up.”
dr r said that’s a perfectly valid thing to be furious about.
i didn’t cry. didn’t rage. just felt this heavy thing in my chest that’s probably been there for 3 years and i’ve been calling it “grief” when really it’s also anger.
a’s reaction #
told a about the session when i got home. she was at her desk working on some data pipeline thing (she’s been doing freelance python work which is honestly hot as fuck, coding girlfriend is best girlfriend).
she listened without saying anything until i was done. then she said “i’ve always wondered when that would come up. you talk about losing them like you’re reading a wikipedia page.”
ouch. accurate but ouch.
she asked if dr r suggested anything to do with the anger. i told her dr r wants me to write a letter to the driver. not to send. just to write.
a said she’d be there when i do it. that she’d make tea and sit with me.
i haven’t written it yet. kind of terrified honestly. the news article mode i’ve been operating in has been working fine and dismantling it feels risky. like pulling a jenga block from the middle of the tower.
the trading connection #
realized during the session that my emotional avoidance shows up in trading too. when a strategy blows up, i don’t get angry about it. i immediately switch to analysis mode. “what went wrong, how do i fix it, what’s the backtest say.”
which sounds healthy but dr r says it might mean i’m not fully processing the emotional impact of losses either. that could explain why i sometimes make the same mistake twice - i intellectually understand what went wrong but i don’t FEEL it deeply enough to change behavior.
she used the word “embodied” which i normally would’ve made fun of as therapy speak but in context it made sense. knowledge needs to be embodied, not just intellectual. you need to feel the loss, not just calculate it.
this week #
it’s been a weird week since the session. feel kind of raw. like someone peeled back a scab i didn’t know was there.
haven’t had any dramatic emotional moments. just this low hum of something in my chest. a notices. she’s been extra physical this week - touching my shoulder when she walks by, sitting closer on the couch, holding my hand during dinner.
she does this thing where she doesn’t ask if i’m okay. she just shows up physically. no questions, no pressure, just presence. it’s exactly what i need and she somehow always knows.
we had sex thursday night and it was different from usual. slower. more eye contact. less about the physical and more about being close. she kept her hand on my chest the whole time and afterwards she said she could feel my heartbeat slow down.
which is embarrassingly intimate to share but fuck it this is my blog.
what dr r looks like #
unrelated but dr r was wearing this low-cut blouse friday and i swear to god she does it on purpose. she’s like 45, looks 35, and has legs that go on forever. a thinks it’s hilarious that i find my therapist hot. told her “babe, the woman helps me process my dead parents AND looks like a victoria’s secret model, it’s confusing.”
a said “at least you have good taste.” then she jokingly said she should come to a session so she can check out dr r too.
might actually be into that. not in a threesome way (okay maybe a little) but it would probably be good for them to meet. a’s been a huge part of my healing and dr r only knows her through my stories.
the letter #
haven’t started it. opened a blank google doc three times this week and stared at it.
what do you even say to someone who destroyed your life while you were literally counting down to midnight?
dr r said there’s no wrong way to write it. that it can be one sentence or twenty pages. that it can be mature or vicious or both. just needs to be honest.
i’ll probably do it this weekend. a’s running a half-marathon tomorrow morning so i’ll have a few hours alone. might be easier without her there for the initial part. less pressure to hold it together.
or i might chicken out and optimize my kelly criterion parameters instead. at least position sizing doesn’t make me feel things.
-AK