2am saturday.
A. fell asleep on the couch watching some cooking show. I carried her to bed.
she mumbled “you’re warm” and passed out.
now I’m sitting in the dark thinking about valentine’s day.
the valentine’s problem #
A. says she doesn’t care about valentine’s day.
this is a trap.
every guy knows this is a trap.
“I don’t need anything fancy.”
translation: if you don’t do something she’ll be fine but you’ll feel like shit.
so I’m planning something.
therapy wednesday #
saw dr R this week.
she was wearing these black pants and a fitted blouse. the kind where you can see the outline of her bra through the fabric.
I swear she does this on purpose.
“how are things with A.?”
“good. really good.”
“sexually?”
every session. without fail.
I told her about last weekend.
A. and I had been watching a movie on the couch. she put her hand on my thigh. casual. like she wasn’t thinking about it.
but I know her.
she was thinking about it.
15 minutes later she was on top of me. right there on the couch. still had her t-shirt on. just pulled everything else to the side.
we didn’t even pause the movie.
came so hard I knocked the remote off the couch.
dr R was writing fast.
“do you feel the spontaneity has maintained?”
“yeah. we still fuck like we just started dating.”
she crossed her legs.
A. and I are both convinced she gets turned on during these conversations. the way she leans in. the follow-up questions that are weirdly specific.
whatever. it’s her job.
the real conversation #
after the sex talk she asked about something harder.
“you mentioned last time that A. wants to talk about the future.”
yeah.
A. brought up kids a few weeks ago. not like “let’s have them now” but more like “do you see that eventually?”
I froze.
“what was the freeze about?”
I know what the freeze was about.
my parents had me when they were 28. planned. wanted. loved.
and then they died and I was 19 and alone.
having kids means someone depends on you entirely.
and that scares the shit out of me.
“it’s not that I don’t want kids with her.”
“then what is it?”
“what if something happens to me.”
long pause.
“like what happened to your parents.”
“yeah.”
dr R set her pen down.
“that’s not avoidance. that’s awareness. but it can’t be the reason you don’t live.”
heavy session.
A. knows #
got home around 5.
A. was making pasta. music on. dancing in the kitchen.
she looked at me and just knew.
“rough one?”
“kinda.”
she handed me a glass of wine.
didn’t push.
didn’t ask what we talked about.
just let me exist in it.
that’s the thing. she doesn’t try to fix me. she just… stays.
we ate dinner. she told me about this bug in her code that took 3 hours to find. it was a missing comma.
I laughed for the first time since therapy.
the plan #
so valentine’s day.
I’m taking her to this spot in la jolla. cliffs overlooking the ocean. we went there on one of our first dates back in june 2023.
bringing a blanket. bottle of champagne.
if it’s warm enough, and knowing san diego it will be, we’ll stay until sunset.
A. loves sunsets over the water.
and if we happen to find a quiet spot on the cliffs after dark…
we haven’t added “la jolla cliffs at night” to the list yet.
2am #
she’s asleep.
I can hear her breathing from the bedroom.
the kid conversation rattled me more than I expected.
not because I don’t want that future.
because I want it so much that losing it would destroy me.
and I already know what losing everything feels like.
dr R is right though.
you can’t not live because you’re afraid of loss.
I’ll figure it out.
for now… valentine’s planning. champagne. cliffs. her.
that’s enough.
2am saturday. carried A. to bed from the couch. planning valentine’s day at the la jolla cliffs where we had early dates. therapy with dr R was heavy this week - talked about A. wanting kids and why that scares me. losing my parents at 19 means I know what it feels like when everything disappears. dr R says awareness isn’t avoidance. A. made pasta when I got home. didn’t push. just stayed. that’s why she’s everything.
-AK