saturday afternoon.
A. out with friends.
me alone thinking.
the thought experiment #
question:
what if A. and i break up?
not because we’re having problems.
just: what would that feel like now?
comparing to previous breakups #
M. (4 months, 2022):
thought: “finally, getting boring anyway.”
felt: relief.
timeline: already planning next girl before breakup.
K. (6 weeks, 2022):
thought: “yeah this wasn’t going anywhere.”
felt: nothing.
timeline: had Tinder open same day.
S. (3 months, 2023):
thought: “should’ve ended this 2 weeks ago.”
felt: mild annoyance it took so long.
timeline: lined up replacement before ending it.
imagining breaking up with A. #
try to picture it:
her saying “we should break up.”
or me saying it.
what would i feel?
can’t actually picture it.
forced the thought anyway:
imagine she’s gone.
apartment empty.
her desk corner empty.
no more breakfast together.
no more sex.
no more her.
feeling:
fucking terrible.
like losing something irreplaceable.
different from every other breakup.
what this means #
previous relationships:
exit strategy from day 1.
planned replacement before ending.
felt relief when done.
A.:
no exit strategy.
can’t imagine replacement.
dread thinking about ending.
conclusion:
this is different.
she’s not replaceable.
therapy session (august 14) #
told dr. r about thought experiment.
dr. r: “you imagined breaking up with her?”
me: “yeah. wanted to see how it felt.”
dr. r: “and?”
me: “felt terrible. couldn’t actually picture it happening.”
dr. r: “that’s significant.”
me: “previous girls, i’d feel relief imagining breakup. with A., feels like losing something important.”
dr. r: “because she is important.”
me: “yeah.”
dr. r: “this is secure attachment. you’re not planning exits anymore.”
me: “marriage thought is still there too. occurred 3 more times since we last talked.”
dr. r: “11 times total since your birthday?”
me: “yeah. july 4, then 10 more times.”
dr. r: “that’s not random.”
me: “i know.”
dr. r: “what’s stopping you from bringing it up to her?”
me: “fear of being wrong. what if i’m just caught up in new relationship stuff?”
dr. r: “you’ve been together 14 months. living together 9 months. that’s not ’new relationship stuff.'”
me: “but what if—”
dr. r: “what if you’re right? what if she’s thinking the same thing?”
didn’t have answer.
what i’m actually afraid of #
not afraid of commitment.
not afraid of marriage itself.
afraid of:
being wrong about her.
asking and her saying no.
ruining what we have.
dr. r’s response:
“you’re afraid of vulnerability. same pattern as always. but A. has earned that vulnerability.”
she’s right.
signs i’m thinking long-term #
1. no exit strategy
first relationship ever without one.
2. thinking years not weeks
previous max: 4 months with M.
with A.: thinking decades.
3. dread at thought of losing her
previous: relief at breakups.
with A.: dread.
4. marriage thought persistent
11 times in 6 weeks.
not going away.
5. imagining future together
apartment together.
her business growing.
my trading stable.
maybe kids eventually (never thought that before).
what’s different about A. #
she doesn’t chase:
gives space when needed.
doesn’t require constant validation.
comfortable with silence.
she understands my work:
knows trading stress.
respects focus time.
doesn’t interrupt unnecessarily.
she holds me when grief hits:
doesn’t try to fix it.
just there.
first person since parents died who does this right.
she challenges me:
calls out my shit.
doesn’t just agree.
makes me better.
best sex i’ve ever had:
complete honesty.
zero shame.
perfect trust.
tonight’s realization #
thought experiment result:
can’t imagine life without her.
previous relationships: easily imagined.
A.: can’t picture it.
what this means:
she’s not just current girlfriend.
she’s the person.
marriage thought makes sense.
question is timing.
not IF.
WHEN.
what i’m not doing (yet) #
not buying ring.
not planning proposal.
not bringing it up to her.
but:
accepting that thought is real.
not just temporary.
she’s the person.
tonight (august 17, 2:15pm) #
saturday afternoon.
A. out.
me thinking.
thought experiment: what if we break up?
result: can’t picture it, feels terrible.
previous relationships: relief imagining breakup.
A.: dread imagining it.
marriage thought: 11 times since birthday.
therapy: dr. r says “what if you’re right?”
conclusion: she’s the person.
question: WHEN not IF.
no plan yet.
but accepting it’s real.
2:15pm saturday. relationship thought experiment. imagined breaking up with A. - couldn’t picture it, felt terrible. previous relationships: relief at breakups. A.: dread. marriage thought 11 times since july 4 birthday. therapy: dr. r asked “what if you’re right?” about marriage. afraid of vulnerability not commitment. she’s the person. question is WHEN not IF. no ring yet. but accepting it’s real.
-AK