been 10 days since A. came back (oct 11).
10 days of proving i won’t fuck this up.
this week’s progress #
monday-wednesday: paper trading. 12 trades, 9 wins (75% win rate). +$3,240 paper.
thursday (oct 19): resumed real trading. 0.25% risk. 2 trades, 2 wins. +$360.
friday (oct 20): 3 trades, 2 wins, 1 loss. +$420.
saturday (today): no trading. processing week with A.
week total: +$780 real, +$3,240 paper
account recovery started #
current: $335,560
bottom (oct 10): $334,780
recovered: +$780 (0.23%)
still down from peak: -$26,560 (-7.3%)
pace: need ~34 weeks at this rate to fully recover
or 1-2 really good months.
therapy session (friday) #
dr. r: “A. came back 10 days ago. how’s it going?”
me: “good. she’s here every night. moving in 11 days.”
dr. r: “and the fear?”
me: “still there but managing it better.”
the fear management #
triggers that came up this week:
tuesday: A. said she needed space to work on project.
- old me: panic, interpret as rejection
- new me: “okay, how long do you need? want me to leave apartment?”
- A: “couple hours. you can stay, just headphones on.”
- result: gave her space. she came back after 2 hours. nothing bad happened.
thursday: A. was quiet during dinner.
- old me: spiral. “she’s mad. she’s leaving.”
- new me: “you okay? you’re quiet tonight.”
- A: “yeah, just tired from work. not about you.”
- result: asked instead of assuming. simple explanation.
friday: A. mentioned staying at her place saturday night to pack for move.
- old me: panic. “she’s leaving again.”
- new me: “makes sense. want help packing tomorrow?”
- A: “yeah, come over around noon.”
- result: she’s not leaving. just packing. i helped.
what dr. r said #
dr. r: “you’re doing the work. communicating fear instead of acting on it.”
me: “it’s hard. every time she leaves i get that spike.”
dr. r: “that’s trauma response. your parents left and didn’t come back. A. left for 18 days. brain learned: leaving = permanent.”
me: “how do i fix that?”
dr. r: “repeated experiences of her leaving and coming back. every time she goes to work and returns, brain gets evidence: leaving ≠ permanent. takes time.”
the attachment work #
dr. r explained attachment again:
secure attachment: partner leaves = confident they’ll return
anxious attachment: partner leaves = fear they won’t return
avoidant attachment: partner gets close = push them away first
me: “i’m both anxious and avoidant?”
dr. r: “yes. fearful-avoidant. push people away (avoidant) because scared they’ll leave (anxious). worst of both.”
me: “great.”
dr. r: “but you’re aware of it now. that’s the first step.”
homework this week #
practiced:
-
✓ when A. leaves: notice the fear, don’t act on it, wait for her return
-
✓ when quiet: ask what’s wrong instead of assuming
-
✓ when needs space: give it without panic
-
✓ daily: “what do you need from me today?”
-
✓ trading rule: stop at 3 losses in row (didn’t need it, no 3-loss streak)
the trading boundary working #
A.’s rule: 3 losing days in row = 1 week mandatory break
this week: 1 loss out of 5 trades
why it works:
- keeps me cautious
- prevents revenge trading
- can’t spiral into $25k disasters
- she checks my account daily
- i’m accountable
not controlling. protecting.
today (saturday) - packing at her place #
helped A. pack for move (11 days away).
boxes so far:
- clothes: 4 boxes
- books/tech: 3 boxes
- kitchen stuff: 2 boxes
- random: 2 boxes
11 boxes total.
her life moving into mine.
the conversation while packing #
A.: “you nervous about this?”
me: “november 1? yeah. but different nervous.”
A.: “how?”
me: “before = scared of losing freedom. now = scared of fucking it up.”
A.: “at least you’re honest.”
me: “learned that lesson. $28k lesson.”
A.: “you keep mentioning that.”
me: “because i can’t forget what pushing you away costs.”
what a. said #
A.: “you know i’m not your parents, right?”
me: “what do you mean?”
A.: “when i leave, i come back. every time. work, errands, packing, whatever. i always come back.”
me: “i know logically.”
A.: “but not emotionally?”
me: “working on it. dr. r says repeated evidence helps.”
A.: “then i’ll keep coming back. as many times as it takes.”
fuck. she gets it.
the commitment #
me: “i’m not going to push you away again.”
A.: “you already said that.”
me: “i mean it. whatever fear comes up, i tell you. i don’t run.”
A.: “even when it’s hard?”
me: “especially when it’s hard.”
A.: “okay. i’ll hold you to that.”
me: “please do.”
november 1 plan #
11 days away.
moving day logistics:
- A.’s lease ends oct 31
- moving her stuff nov 1 morning
- she sleeps here nov 1 night (first official night as roommates)
my preparation:
- cleared half closet (done)
- cleared 2 dresser drawers (done)
- bathroom: made space for her stuff (done)
- mentally: working on not panicking (in progress)
A.’s preparation:
- packing (ongoing)
- address changes (starting next week)
- mentally: trusting i won’t panic again (we’ll see)
what i know now #
relationship priority > trading priority
sept-oct proved this.
when relationship chaos = trading chaos.
when relationship stable = trading stable.
can’t trade well when heartbroken.
$28k proof.
can’t function alone.
need A.
but can’t depend on her presence for all stability.
have to be okay independently too.
communication > avoidance
telling her when scared = she helps.
avoiding her when scared = she leaves.
tonight #
she’s staying here.
11 boxes at her apartment waiting for nov 1.
11 days until she moves in permanently.
working on being ready.
working on not fucking this up.
the promise (to myself, to her, to dr. r) #
when scared: tell her
when she leaves: trust she’s coming back
when she needs space: give it without panic
when intimate: don’t push away
when trading: follow rules, don’t spiral
when failing: therapy, communication, recovery
goal: prove to her (and myself) that pattern is broken.
1:18pm saturday. 10 days since A. came back. helped her pack today. 11 boxes. 11 days until she moves in. working on being ready. not panicking. not fucking this up.
-AK