12 days since A. came back (oct 11).
stability returning.
slowly.
trading this week (oct 16-23) #
monday 10/16: paper trading, +$620
tuesday 10/17: paper trading, +$845
wednesday 10/18: paper trading, +$1,280
thursday 10/19: real trading resumed, 0.25% risk, +$360
friday 10/20: real trading, +$420
monday 10/23: real trading, +$640
week total: +$1,420 real, +$2,745 paper
account recovery progress #
oct 10 bottom: $334,780
current (oct 23): $336,200
recovered: +$1,420 (0.42%)
still down from peak: -$25,920 (-7.2%)
time to full recovery: ~18 weeks at current pace
what changed #
following system again.
- proper setups only
- 0.25% risk (half normal)
- stops enforced
- filters applied
- no revenge trading
why it’s working:
A. is here. can focus.
sleeping 7-8 hours/night.
eating normal meals.
brain works again.
this week’s trades breakdown #
6 real trades:
- mean reversion: 3 trades, 2 wins (TLT, SPX)
- momentum: 2 trades, 2 wins (NQ, SPX)
- crypto: 1 trade, 0 wins (BTC stopped out)
win rate: 67% (4 wins, 2 losses)
average win: $460
average loss: $220
profit factor: 2.1
back to normal performance.
the difference #
sept 24 - oct 10 (18 days without A.):
- 26 trades total
- 3 wins, 23 losses (12% win rate)
- -$28,000
- every rule violated
- pure emotional destruction
oct 19-23 (with A. back):
- 6 trades
- 4 wins, 2 losses (67% win rate)
- +$1,420
- every rule followed
- system-based execution
same strategies. same markets. different mental state.
relationship stable = trading stable.
A.’s rule working #
her boundary: 3 losing days in row = 1 week off
this week: no losing days (1 loss per day max)
why no 3-loss streaks:
- trading cautiously
- taking breaks between losses
- not revenge trading
- she checks account daily (accountability)
haven’t needed the circuit breaker.
but knowing it’s there = prevents spiral.
9 days until she moves in #
november 1 coming fast.
her apartment status:
- 80% packed (11 boxes so far)
- lease ends oct 31
- address changes submitted
- ready to move
my apartment status:
- space made for her stuff
- half closet cleared
- 2 dresser drawers empty
- bathroom reorganized
- mentally: working on it
the fear check-in #
dr. r asked (last session): “scale of 1-10, how scared are you about her moving in?”
me: “4.”
dr. r: “that’s progress. a month ago?”
me: “10. that’s why i panicked.”
dr. r: “what changed?”
me: “lived through losing her. won’t do that again. scared of fucking up, not scared of commitment.”
what i’m not scared of anymore #
her moving in: want her here permanently
commitment: she’s it. no one else.
losing freedom: already spend every night together
being vulnerable: she saw me completely broken. still here.
her seeing the real me: she knows about parents, grief, therapy, $28k disaster. staying anyway.
what i’m still scared of #
fucking it up again: doing something stupid that makes her leave
her realizing i’m not worth it: imposter syndrome
losing her like i lost parents: trauma brain
not being good enough: core fear
working on all of it in therapy.
this weekend (oct 21-22) #
saturday: helped A. pack. 4 more boxes. total 15 boxes now.
sunday: normal day. cooked together. coded together. watched movie. had sex. comfortable.
routine = stability.
tonight (monday night/tuesday morning) #
she’s asleep.
i’m writing this.
apartment quiet. but not empty.
her stuff here. her presence here. her staying.
first time in months that quiet = peaceful.
not anxious. not checking phone. not panicking.
just quiet.
reflection on october #
worst month of the year.
oct 1-10:
- lost $25k in 2 days
- couldn’t sleep, eat, function
- at breaking point
- desperate for A. to respond
oct 11:
- A. came back
- turning point
- relief
oct 11-23:
- recovery phase
- trading resumed carefully
- +$1,420 recovered
- stability returning
- preparing for nov 1
learned: relationship > everything. can’t function without her. won’t push her away again.
november goals #
nov 1: A. moves in (9 days)
trading: continue recovery, ramp to 0.5% risk if stable
financial: +$3,000 month target (recover more losses)
relationship: prove i can handle her living here without panicking
therapy: continue 2x/week through move-in
the commitment reminder #
to myself:
when scared = tell her
when she needs space = give it
when intimate = don’t run
when trading poorly = take break
when life hard = communicate
goal: prove pattern broken. prove i won’t fuck this up.
looking ahead #
9 days until biggest commitment of my life.
A. moving in.
permanently.
scared but ready.
mostly ready.
working on ready.
she’s worth it.
2:45am tuesday. 12 days since A. came back. trading recovering. +$1,420 this week. following rules. sleeping. eating. stable. 9 days until she moves in. not fucking this up.
-AK