woke up at 11am.
hands tied to headboard.
A. between my legs going down on me.
best fucking birthday ever.
how it started #
didn’t know she tied me up.
deep sleeper.
woke up mid-blowjob.
tried to move hands - couldn’t.
looked down.
A. looking up at me, smiling with her mouth full.
me: “what the fuck—”
A.: doesn’t stop, just grins
lasted maybe 3 more minutes.
came hard.
she swallowed, untied me, kissed me.
A.: “happy birthday.”
me: “…yeah. fuck. yeah.”
the thought that hit #
laying there after.
she’s getting up to make breakfast.
i’m just staring at ceiling.
thought: “i should marry this girl.”
first time i’ve ever thought that about anyone.
didn’t say it.
but felt it.
why that thought happened #
she gets me:
knows i like being tied up sometimes.
knows surprise is hot.
knows waking up to head = instant win.
no performance:
didn’t make it about her.
just wanted to make my birthday great.
no “did you like it?” validation seeking.
just did it, smiled, moved on.
comfortable:
8 months living together.
knows my body.
knows what works.
zero awkwardness.
trust:
fell asleep free.
woke up tied.
zero panic.
complete trust.
breakfast (11:30am) #
A. made:
french toast (my favorite).
bacon (crispy how i like).
coffee (black, my mug, perfect temp).
sat together.
A.: “good birthday so far?”
me: “best wakeup ever.”
A.: “thought you’d like that.”
me: “understatement.”
A.: “dinner at 7. your choice of everything tonight.”
me: “everything?”
A.: smirks “yes. everything.”
exactly what she meant.
the day (no trading) #
markets closed anyway.
spent day:
couch.
A. coding on her laptop.
me reading.
occasional making out.
simple.
perfect.
no big celebration.
no party.
just us.
exactly what wanted.
dinner (7pm - A. cooked) #
she made:
steak (medium rare, perfect).
roasted potatoes (crispy).
asparagus (somehow got me to eat vegetables).
me: “this is incredible.”
A.: “tried a new recipe. was nervous.”
me: “it’s perfect. you’re perfect.”
A.: raises eyebrow “i’m perfect?”
me: “…yeah. you are.”
A.: “you never say shit like that.”
me: “i know. but yeah. today you’re perfect.”
A.: “just today?”
me: “okay fine. most days.”
A.: smiles “good enough.”
after dinner - the addition to places list #
A.: “balcony. now.”
me: “we’ve done balcony.”
A.: “not like this.”
grabbed blanket.
laid it out.
fireworks starting downtown.
explosions in distance.
A. pulled me down.
fucked under fireworks.
her on top.
me watching her ride while explosions light up sky behind her.
both came as grand finale started.
places list: 20.
after (10pm) #
laying on balcony.
wrapped in blanket.
A.: “good birthday?”
me: “best ever.”
A.: “better than last year?”
me: “last year was shit. this year… perfect.”
A.: “what made it perfect?”
me: “you. just you.”
A.: “getting soft on me?”
me: “maybe. birthday pass.”
A.: kisses me “okay. birthday pass granted.”
what i didn’t say #
thought again:
“i should marry this girl.”
didn’t say it.
too soon.
only 8 months.
but thought it twice today.
first time about anyone ever.
comparing to last year #
july 4, 2023 (21st birthday):
alone most of day.
ate shitty takeout.
dating A. for 3 weeks total.
said no when she offered to come over.
july 4, 2024 (22nd birthday):
woke up to best head of my life.
breakfast she cooked.
dinner she made.
sex under fireworks.
living together 8 months.
thought about marriage.
difference: everything.
what this means #
never thought about marriage before.
previous relationships:
M.: hot, great sex, got bored after 4 months.
K.: fun, also great sex, got bored after 6 weeks.
S.: same pattern.
always had exit strategy.
always planning when to end it.
with A.:
no exit strategy.
no boredom.
8 months in, getting better.
thinking about MORE commitment not less.
different.
therapy will be interesting #
seeing dr. r next tuesday.
going to tell her about marriage thought.
she’ll probably say:
“that’s significant growth.”
or
“secure attachment manifesting.”
or
“you’re capable of long-term commitment.”
whatever she says:
i thought about marrying A. twice today.
first time ever about anyone.
that’s real.
tonight (10:30pm) #
22 years old.
best birthday ever.
woke up tied to bed getting head.
thought about marriage (twice).
living with A. 8 months.
sex under fireworks.
places list: 20.
never been this happy.
never thought i could be.
maybe marriage isn’t crazy.
maybe she’s the one.
first time i’ve thought that.
feels true.
10:30pm thursday. 22nd birthday. woke up tied to bed with A. going down on me (best wakeup ever). thought “i should marry this girl” - first time ever thought that about anyone. thought it twice today. breakfast + dinner she cooked. sex under fireworks on balcony (places list: 20). 8 months living together. no exit strategy. thinking about MORE commitment not less. different from any relationship before.
-AK