met A. june 13, 2023.
today may 9, 2024.
11 months together.
6 months living together (nov 1).
therapy session revealed something.
therapy thursday (5/9) #
dr. r: “almost a year with A. how’s it feel?”
me: “good. stable. different.”
dr. r: “different how?”
me: “past relationships i was already planning exit by month 6. with A., not thinking about exit at all.”
dr. r: “why do you think that is?”
me: “she doesn’t chase. so i don’t run.”
dr. r: “here’s how to explore that. what does ‘chase’ mean?”
me: “M., K., S., J. - they all wanted constant attention. texting all day. needing to know where i was. wanting to hang out every night. suffocating.”
dr. r: “and A.?”
me: “she’s fine if i don’t text for hours. doesn’t need to know my schedule. has her own life. friday nights she usually does her own thing.”
dr. r: “so independence.”
me: “yeah. she’s independent. doesn’t need me. wants me but doesn’t need me.”
dr. r: “and that makes you feel…?”
me: “…safe? less pressure. like i can breathe.”
dr. r: “this is secure attachment. you’ve avoided relationships where partners were anxiously attached. but A. is securely attached. gives you space. so your avoidant patterns don’t activate.”
fuck.
that makes sense.
the pattern i didn’t see #
past relationships:
month 1-2: exciting, new, fun
month 3-4: they get attached, want more time
month 5-6: i feel suffocated, plan exit
month 6-7: break up
rinse repeat.
with A.:
month 1-2: exciting, new, fun
month 3-4: she stays independent, comfortable silence
month 5-6: i don’t feel suffocated, no exit planning
month 7-11: still here, living together, working
different pattern.
what A. does differently #
doesn’t:
- text constantly
- need daily plans
- get upset if i’m quiet
- demand attention
- track my location
- complain about my schedule
does:
- has her own friends
- takes friday nights alone
- comfortable with silence
- respects workspace boundaries
- independent hobbies
- gives space without asking
secure attachment.
the places list context #
been adding to list regularly.
this month: her office (after hours), beach parking lot (late night), kitchen counter (morning before trading).
she initiates 80% of the time.
decides when, where, how.
i love that she takes charge.
never feels forced.
never feels like obligation.
natural.
comparing to past sex life #
M., K., S., J.:
sex was good but…
felt like performance.
felt like they needed validation.
felt like keeping them interested.
A.:
sex is different.
no performance pressure.
both completely honest about wants.
bondage, dom/sub (we switch), toys, fantasies.
zero shame.
total trust.
the fear i didn’t know i had #
dr. r: “what are you afraid of with A.?”
me: “…losing her.”
dr. r: “different from past relationships?”
me: “yeah. before i was afraid of being trapped. now i’m afraid of losing.”
dr. r: “that’s vulnerability. first time you’ve let someone in since your parents died.”
fuck that was impactful.
parents’ death connection #
parents died dec 31, 2022.
met A. june 13, 2023.
6 months after.
dr. r: “you were grieving when you met her.”
me: “yeah. barely functional. trading disasters. therapy twice a week.”
dr. r: “and she saw you completely broken in september.”
me: “yeah. lost $28k. crying randomly. couldn’t sleep.”
dr. r: “and she stayed.”
me: “yeah. came back after 18 days. saw the full damage. stayed anyway.”
dr. r: “that’s why you trust her. she’s seen you at your worst and didn’t leave.”
exactly.
the september crisis context #
september 2023:
we fought about moving in.
she left for 18 days.
i spiraled completely.
lost $28k revenge trading.
convinced she was gone forever.
she came back oct 11.
saw the trading disaster.
saw me broken.
stayed anyway.
moved in nov 1.
that mattered.
living together reality #
friction still exists:
her mess vs my OCD.
bathroom schedule.
coffee mug territorialism.
her loud cooking music.
my 4am alarms.
but manageable.
we negotiate.
adjust.
compromise.
works.
what makes it work #
mutual independence:
both introverts.
both need alone time.
both have intense work focus.
respect boundaries.
physical compatibility:
best sex either has had.
completely open communication.
fantasies discussed without shame.
trust.
emotional support:
she holds me when grief hits.
i give her space when needed.
both understand trading stress.
balance.
the commitment thing #
never thought i’d:
live with someone.
be in relationship >6 months.
not plan exit strategy.
say “i love you” and mean it.
but here we are.
11 months together.
6 months living together.
no exit strategy.
first time.
tonight (10:36pm) #
sitting on couch.
A. coding on her keyboard.
i’m writing this.
11 months.
she doesn’t chase so i don’t run.
secure attachment.
first time feeling safe in relationship.
therapy breakthrough:
my avoidant patterns don’t activate because she’s securely attached.
that explains everything.
10:36pm thursday. 11 months together, 6 months living together. therapy breakthrough: A’s secure attachment prevents my avoidant patterns. she doesn’t chase so i don’t run. first relationship where i’m not planning exit. she saw me broken (september $28k disaster) and stayed. trust.
-AK