told J it’s over. lasted 6 weeks total. about what i expected.
why it ended #
same reason it always ends: i get bored.
first 2-3 weeks are great. exciting, new, fun.
then the pattern starts:
- she wants to hang out every night
- i need time alone to code
- she starts asking about “where this is going”
- i realize i don’t care where it’s going
- guilt about not caring
- break up
happened with every girl since my parents died.
the conversation #
her: “you’ve been distant lately”
me: “yeah, i have a lot going on with trading”
her: “is this about me?”
me: “no, it’s just… i’m not ready for anything serious right now”
her: “i never said i wanted serious”
me: “yeah but you kinda do. and that’s fine. i just can’t do it”
her: “so that’s it?”
me: “yeah”
she cried. i felt like shit. but it would’ve been worse to keep going when i knew it wasn’t going anywhere.
the real reason #
not trading stress. not “not ready”.
i just don’t feel anything.
been like this since december 31. parents died and something in me shut off.
had 4 girlfriends since then:
- K: 3 weeks
- M: met at therapy, 11 days
- S: 4 weeks
- J: 6 weeks
none of them got past the point where i actually cared.
therapy session yesterday #
dr. r: “you’re protecting yourself”
me: “from what”
dr. r: “from caring about someone who might leave”
me: “they all leave anyway. or i leave first”
dr. r: “exactly. you leave before you can get hurt”
me: “my parents didn’t leave on purpose”
dr. r: “but they left”
fuck.
pattern i’m noticing #
meet girl → exciting for 2 weeks → realize i don’t care → feel guilty → end it → repeat
been 20 weeks since parents died. had 4 relationships. average 3.5 weeks each.
none lasted longer than 6 weeks.
what J said when leaving #
“you’re a good guy but you’re not actually here. like you’re going through the motions but there’s nothing behind it.”
she’s right.
i show up, say the right things, we have good sex, but i’m not really present.
mostly thinking about trading strategies or code or literally anything else.
san diego dating is weird #
so many girls here. all hot, most flaky, none stick.
which is fine because i don’t stick either.
dating apps make it too easy. swipe, meet, hook up, repeat.
used to want a relationship. now i just want to be left alone to code.
trading connection #
losing money makes everything worse.
down $60k total since january. down $490 in may so far.
hard to care about relationship problems when you’re bleeding money every week.
J would ask “how was your day” and i’d be thinking “lost $1,400 on correlation risk, refactoring entire risk management system, no i don’t want to talk about it.”
not fair to her.
what i actually want #
honestly? just want to:
- fix my trading strategies
- make money consistently
- not feel guilty about being alone
- stop pretending to care about dating when i don’t
maybe in a year when trading is profitable and i’m not bleeding money.
maybe never. maybe this is just who i am now.
parents would’ve liked J #
mom would’ve said “she’s sweet, give her a chance”
dad would’ve said “don’t fuck it up”
well. i fucked it up.
but also didn’t want to not fuck it up. which is the real problem.
next steps #
no more dating for a while. focus on trading.
deleted tinder, hinge, bumble.
going to the gym more. therapy weekly. coding daily.
if i’m going to be alone might as well be alone and profitable instead of alone and broke.
the number #
parents died 20 weeks ago.
still waiting for it to hurt less.
dr. r says grief isn’t linear. some days fine, some days not.
today is not fine but also not terrible. just numb.
trading helps. gives me something concrete to focus on besides the fact that i’m 19 and both my parents are dead and i can’t seem to care about anyone.
1:45am thursday. J is gone. account is at $339k. life continues.
-AK