wedding may 10.
13 days out.
nerves hitting.
saturday night (april 26) - seating chart stress #
A. and i spent 6 hours on seating chart:
45 guests.
7 tables.
family drama (her mom vs my uncle situation).
fought about placement:
A.: “your uncle can’t sit near my mom. they hate each other.”
me: “when did they even meet?”
A.: “christmas. he made a comment about her cooking.”
me: “fuck. okay, separate tables.”
compromise:
uncle at table 6 (far corner).
her mom at table 2 (near us).
took 6 hours to finalize.
both exhausted after.
the nerves conversation #
A.: “are you nervous?”
me: “yeah. you?”
A.: “terrified.”
me: “of what?”
A.: “everything. what if i trip walking down the aisle? what if my dress rips? what if your uncle says something to my mom?”
me: “those are all fixable. what are you actually scared of?”
A.: “what if we’re making a mistake?”
me: “…”
A.: “like, i know we’re not. i love you. but what if in 5 years we realize this was wrong?”
me: “then we’ll figure it out together. but i don’t think we will.”
A.: “how do you know?”
me: “because we’ve been through shit. your bachelorette, my bachelor party, march losing $9k while planning $19k wedding, living together 18 months, sex life still incredible, communication working. we’re good.”
A.: “you’re right. i’m just freaking out.”
me: “me too. this is normal.”
therapy session (april 24) #
dr. r: “2 weeks to wedding. how are you feeling?”
me: “nervous. A’s terrified. we’re both freaking out.”
dr. r: “cold feet?”
me: “no. more like… reality hitting. we’re actually doing this.”
dr. r: “and you want to?”
me: “yeah. 100%. but it’s scary. my parents are dead. i’m 21. she’s 26. we’re young.”
dr. r: “age is just context.”
me: “i know. but everyone at work asks if we’re sure. like we’re too young.”
dr. r: “are you sure?”
me: “yeah. she’s the one. i’ve known since october 2023 when she came back after our fight.”
dr. r: “then age doesn’t matter.”
me: “what if i fuck it up?”
dr. r: “you will fuck up. so will she. that’s marriage. question is whether you work through it.”
me: “we do. we always have.”
dr. r: “then you’re ready.”
what scares me #
honestly:
becoming my parents.
they fought constantly.
dad worked 80 hours/week.
mom resented him.
they stayed together for me.
died together new year’s eve 2022.
i don’t want that.
what if A. and i become them?
therapy insight:
dr. r: “you’re not your parents. you communicate. they didn’t.”
me: “how do you know?”
dr. r: “because you’re here. in therapy. working on yourself. your dad never would’ve done that.”
me: “true.”
dr. r: “and A.?”
me: “she’s nothing like my mom. she’s independent. has her own career. doesn’t need me, chooses me.”
dr. r: “exactly.”
what A. is scared of #
her fears (from conversation saturday):
losing herself in marriage.
her career taking backseat (python dev, loves it).
becoming “just a wife.”
her mom’s example (gave up career for kids, resents it).
what i told her:
me: “you’re not giving up anything. we agreed on that.”
A.: “but what if kids happen?”
me: “we said no kids for 5 years minimum. you’re 26, i’m 21. we have time.”
A.: “what if you change your mind?”
me: “i won’t. i barely want kids period. maybe someday but not soon.”
A.: “promise?”
me: “promise. you keep your career, i keep trading. we build life together, not instead of each other.”
A.: “okay.”
sex life during stress #
this week:
every night.
she initiates when anxious.
needs control when life chaotic.
places list:
45: kitchen counter friday night (she bent over, i took her from behind, both came hard).
46: shower saturday morning (69 position, both came).
47: home gym saturday afternoon post-seating chart stress (she rode me on bench, needed release).
sex = stress relief.
works every time.
what’s actually happening #
reality:
we’re getting married in 13 days.
i’m 21, she’s 26.
we’ve been together 22 months.
living together 18 months.
places list: 47.
nerves are normal.
we’re ready.
trading impact this week #
monday-wednesday:
5 trades, 4 wins, 1 loss.
+$1,680.
thursday-friday:
seating chart stress, dress pickup, therapy.
paused both days.
cost: ~$800 opportunity.
worth it:
relationship > forced trades.
mental health priority.
final 2 weeks countdown #
remaining tasks:
seating chart done ✓
ceremony music final check (spotify 95%).
honeymoon packing (maui may 11-18).
rehearsal dinner may 8.
ceremony may 10.
then:
married.
honeymon 7 days.
life continues.
different but same.
tonight (april 27, 2:18am) #
13 days to wedding.
nerves hitting both of us.
A. scared of losing herself, becoming her mom.
me scared of becoming my parents, fucking it up.
therapy: dr. r says we’re not our parents, we communicate, we’re ready.
seating chart took 6 hours saturday (family drama).
places list: 47 (kitchen friday, shower saturday, home gym post-stress).
sex = stress relief protocol working.
trading paused thu-fri (mental health > forced trades).
we’re ready but scared.
normal.
2:18am sunday. pre-wedding nerves hitting. 13 days out. A. scared losing herself in marriage, becoming her mom (gave up career). me scared becoming my parents (fought constantly, died together). therapy april 24: dr. r says we’re not our parents, we communicate, we’re ready. seating chart 6 hours saturday (45 guests, 7 tables, uncle vs her mom drama). A. asked “what if mistake?” - talked through it, we’re good. places list 45-47 (kitchen, shower, home gym post-seating stress). sex every night when anxious. trading paused thu-fri mental health priority. nerves normal, we’re ready.
-AK