3 days until A. moves in permanently.
tuesday november 1.
processing.
today (saturday) #
helped A. with final packing.
her apartment: empty now. just boxes.
my apartment: 18 boxes stacked in living room. her life in cardboard.
reality hitting: this is actually happening.
what we moved today #
furniture staying behind:
- bed (using mine)
- couch (too big, she’s selling it)
- dining table (don’t need 2)
furniture coming:
- desk for her coding setup
- bookshelf (full of tech books)
- dresser (her clothes don’t fit in my drawers)
moving nov 1 morning.
the conversation while packing #
A.: “you okay? you’re quiet.”
me: “yeah. just… this is real.”
A.: “you want me to move in, right?”
me: “yes. fuck yes. just processing.”
A.: “what specifically?”
me: “in 3 days, you live here. permanently. not visiting. living.”
A.: “scared?”
me: “little bit. not of you. of fucking it up.”
A.: “we’ve been over this.”
me: “i know. just making sure brain remembers.”
tonight - her last weekend at her place #
tomorrow (sunday): A.’s last night at her apartment.
sleeping there with her.
her lease: officially ends oct 31 (tuesday).
move: nov 1 (wednesday morning).
her address: changes to my address nov 1.
my address: becomes our address nov 1.
the magnitude #
been 4.5 months since we met (june 13).
exclusive for 5 weeks (sept - now).
living together in 3 days.
fast? yeah.
too fast? don’t think so.
ready? working on it.
what’s different from september panic #
september (when she first asked):
- panicked immediately
- asked for space
- pushed her away
- lost her for 18 days
- lost $28k
- destroyed everything
now (3 days before):
- still nervous but not panicking
- telling her when scared
- pulling her closer
- therapy 2x/week
- trading recovered +$4,300
- building something real
difference: learned what pushing away costs.
therapy session yesterday (10/27) #
dr. r: “3 days. how do you feel?”
me: “nervous. good nervous. not panic nervous.”
dr. r: “what’s the difference?”
me: “panic nervous = want to run. good nervous = want it but scared of fucking up.”
dr. r: “and when you feel that fear?”
me: “tell A. don’t act on it alone.”
dr. r: “exactly. you’re ready.”
what i’m nervous about #
logistics:
- sharing space 24/7
- bathroom schedules
- her mess vs my OCD organization
- finding new routine
emotional:
- being this vulnerable permanently
- her seeing me every bad day
- no escape when things hard
- can’t hide anymore
pattern fears:
- getting scared and pushing away
- reverting to old behaviors
- fucking this up like i almost did
dr. r says logistics work themselves out. emotional work is the real work.
what i’m excited about #
waking up next to her every day (already doing this but now permanent)
cooking together nightly (not just when she stays over)
coding in comfortable silence (our thing)
building life together (first time i want this)
not being alone (apartment empty after parents died. won’t be anymore.)
the commitment i made (to myself) #
when she annoys me: communicate, don’t withdraw
when she needs space: give it without interpreting as rejection
when i’m scared: tell her, don’t run
when things hard: work through it, don’t escape
when she’s vulnerable: hold her, don’t judge
when i’m vulnerable: let her hold me, don’t hide
tomorrow night #
sleeping at her place.
her last night there.
tuesday morning: pack remaining stuff.
tuesday afternoon: officially move out.
wednesday morning: officially move in here.
wednesday forward: living together.
the apartment changes #
her desk: going in corner by window. her coding setup.
her bookshelf: wall opposite my desk. tech books, novels.
her dresser: bedroom. her clothes.
bathroom: her makeup/skincare (already 80% here).
kitchen: her nice pots/pans (mine are shit).
living room: her couch pillows, blankets, touches.
apartment becoming ours, not mine.
what this means #
first person i’ve lived with (besides parents).
first relationship this serious (previous: 3-4 months max).
first time wanting permanent (always kept exit strategy before).
first time someone knows everything (grief, therapy, trading disasters).
first time i’m not running.
the weight of it #
she’s betting her life on me not fucking this up.
terminated her lease.
moving all her stuff.
changing her address.
if i panic again = she’s homeless.
that’s the weight.
that’s the responsibility.
that’s why i can’t fuck this up.
tonight #
she’s packing last boxes.
i’m writing this.
3 days away.
scared. excited. ready.
mostly ready.
committed.
3:40pm saturday. 3 days until A. moves in. helped pack today. sleeping at her place tomorrow for last time. moving wednesday. nervous but ready. not panicking. not fucking this up.
-AK