july 4 coming up.
turn 22.
different from last year.
last year (july 4, 2023) #
turned 21.
first birthday without parents (died dec 31, 2022).
dating A. for 3 weeks (just met june 13).
account: ~$385k (down from $400k, still learning).
living alone.
numb most of the time.
rough birthday.
this year (july 4, 2024) #
turning 22.
parents been gone 18.5 months.
living with A. for 8 months (moved in nov 1).
account: $428k (up $43k from last birthday).
strategies working.
less numb, more occasional grief.
better birthday.
what A. asked (last night) #
A.: “birthday in 2 weeks. want to do anything?”
me: “not really. just another day.”
A.: “it’s your first birthday living together.”
me: “true.”
A.: “want me to cook something special? invite people over? go somewhere?”
me: “cook something. just us. no people.”
A.: “okay. what food?”
me: “surprise me. you’re good at that.”
A.: “deal. and i’ll add a place to the list.”
me: “…where?”
A.: “not telling. birthday surprise.”
me: “you’re going to get us arrested.”
A.: “probably not. maybe.”
comparing birthdays #
21 (last year):
spent alone mostly.
A. and i had been dating 3 weeks.
she offered to come over.
i said no (wasn’t ready for that yet).
ate shitty takeout.
cried about dad.
traded that day (lost $1,200).
22 (this year):
living together 8 months.
she’s cooking.
won’t be alone.
not planning to trade (july 4 markets closed anyway).
probably won’t cry (maybe, can’t predict grief).
improvement.
what dr. r said about birthdays (therapy 6/20) #
me: “birthday coming up. july 4.”
dr. r: “how do you feel about it?”
me: “fine. just another day.”
dr. r: “last year was hard. first birthday without parents.”
me: “yeah. this year easier.”
dr. r: “what’s different?”
me: “not alone. A’s here. trading working. life more stable.”
dr. r: “grief still present?”
me: “yeah. but different. less constant. more occasional. like waves instead of drowning.”
dr. r: “that’s healing.”
me: “doesn’t feel healed.”
dr. r: “healing isn’t forgetting. it’s learning to live with loss.”
exactly.
the dad thought #
dad’s birthday: march 18.
mine: july 4.
he would’ve been 52 this year.
i’m turning 22.
he died at 50.
sometimes i think about what he’d say about:
the trading (probably proud but worried).
the money (definitely worried i’d blow it).
A. (would’ve liked her - smart, independent, gives me space).
living together at 21 (probably concerned but supportive).
the server rack (would’ve loved the tech specs).
can’t know.
he’s gone.
that’s the reality.
what’s actually different this year #
last year:
- alone
- grieving constantly
- losing money trading
- no serious relationship
- uncertain about everything
this year:
- living with A.
- grieving occasionally
- making money trading
- serious committed relationship (first ever)
- more certain about strategy/life
18.5 months makes a difference.
A’s perspective (asked her last week) #
me: “how do you think i’m doing? compared to when we met.”
A.: “way better.”
me: “specific?”
A.: “when we met you were pretty broken. grieving hard. uncertain about trading. kept planning exit strategy with me.”
me: “and now?”
A.: “you still grieve sometimes but you’re not drowning. trading is working. you stopped planning exits - i think you actually want me around long term.”
me: “yeah.”
A.: “that’s different. good different.”
she’s right.
the birthday plan (so far) #
A’s cooking dinner.
just us.
no party (hate parties).
no gifts (what the fuck would i want that i can’t buy).
just:
dinner.
probably sex (she mentioned “adding to the list”).
maybe watch fireworks from balcony.
simple.
exactly what want.
places list birthday addition #
A. planning something.
won’t tell me where.
options i can think of:
beach at night (we’ve done this).
somewhere completely new.
somewhere semi-public and risky (her style).
she loves the risk.
i pretend to be worried but actually love it too.
wherever it is, list goes to 19.
the weird thing about july 4 #
birthday on independence day.
fireworks every year.
as a kid: loved it (felt special).
now: weird (country celebrating, i’m just existing).
this year:
A. will be here.
not alone.
fireworks from balcony.
maybe feels different.
what i won’t do #
won’t:
- check trading accounts (markets closed anyway)
- think about money
- work on code
- optimize strategies
- review backtests
will:
- be present with A.
- eat good food
- probably have great sex
- maybe watch fireworks
- accept being 22
one day off.
tonight #
birthday july 4 approaching.
22 years old.
parents dead 18.5 months.
living with A. 8 months.
last year: alone, grieving constantly, losing money.
this year: together, grieving occasionally, making money.
18.5 months difference.
healing doesn’t mean forgetting.
means learning to live with loss.
9:38pm saturday. birthday july 4 approaching (turn 22). last year first birthday without parents - alone, grieving constantly, losing money, 3 weeks dating A. this year - living together 8 months, grieving occasionally, account up $43k, serious relationship. A. cooking dinner, planning “list” addition (won’t tell me where). dr. r says healing = learning to live with loss not forgetting. taking july 4 off from trading/code. just being present.
-AK