pausing trading christmas week.
spending time with A’s family.
first real christmas since mine died.
trading pause plan #
pausing:
december 24-26 (christmas eve through boxing day).
reasoning:
volume <2M contracts expected.
edge = zero in holiday conditions.
better: time with A’s family.
christmas eve plan (dec 24) #
A’s parents house:
dinner 6pm.
overnight stay.
christmas morning breakfast.
attending:
A’s parents.
her two brothers.
my 2 UCSD friends (her parents invited them).
total: 8 people.
why this matters #
last christmas (2023):
first without my parents.
alone in apartment.
A. was visiting her family (we weren’t living together yet).
traded christmas eve/day to avoid feeling.
lost $1,200.
this christmas (2024):
engaged to A.
spending christmas with her family.
my friends invited.
not alone.
huge difference.
what A. doesn’t know #
she thinks:
i’m fine about christmas.
parents died 2 years ago, moved on.
reality:
christmas = reminder they’re gone.
her family = reminder my family doesn’t exist.
handling it better but still hits.
therapy session (12/18) #
dr. r: “christmas with A’s family. feelings?”
me: “grateful. her parents invited my friends. didn’t have to do that.”
dr. r: “but?”
me: “but still aware my parents should be there. 10 empty seats my side at wedding, 2 empty chairs at christmas dinner.”
dr. r: “grief doesn’t follow timelines.”
me: “yeah. 2 years later, still randomly hits.”
dr. r: “you’re spending christmas with people who care about you. that’s growth.”
true.
last year avoided feeling by trading.
this year: feeling it but with people.
A’s family dynamics #
her dad:
software engineer, we bond over tech/servers.
asks about my trading infrastructure.
genuine interest, not polite conversation.
her mom:
great cook, always feeding me.
wedding planning stress but means well.
loves A., tolerates me becoming loves me.
her brothers:
give me shit constantly (normal).
“ball and chain” jokes.
“she’s too good for you” jokes.
exactly what brothers should do.
my UCSD friends attending #
who:
Jake (CS major, works at startup).
Marcus (quit finance, now at tech company).
how they know A.:
met her 10+ times since june 2023.
like her (she’s cool).
why this matters:
my parents gone = no family my side.
UCSD friends = closest thing to family i have left.
her parents inviting them = understanding.
what marriage means - holiday edition #
before A.:
christmas = reminder parents dead.
avoided by trading.
with A. (not married yet):
christmas = her family becomes my family.
can’t replace parents but fills gap.
may 2025 wedding makes it official.
already feels like family.
places list - holiday addition #
last night (dec 20):
her parents’ house guest room (risky, parents downstairs).
A. initiated (stress relief before christmas).
total: 29 places.
A’s comment: “we’re fucking at my parents’ house before we’re even married. classy.”
my response: “wedding in may, practicing family integration.”
her response: laughing, then round 2.
what i’m grateful for this christmas #
2023 christmas:
alone.
trading to avoid feeling.
lost $1,200.
2024 christmas:
engaged to A.
spending time with her family.
my friends invited.
not alone.
growth.
tonight (december 21, 11:17am) #
christmas week pause starting.
december 24-26 no trading.
spending christmas with A’s family.
her parents invited my UCSD friends.
first real christmas since mine died 2 years ago.
last year: alone, trading, lost $1,200.
this year: with people, not alone.
places list: 29 (her parents’ guest room last night).
may 2025 wedding = her family becomes my family officially.
grateful.
11:17am saturday. christmas week pause dec 24-26. spending christmas eve/day with A’s family. her parents invited my 2 UCSD friends (didn’t have to do that - means a lot). first real christmas since parents died 2 years ago. last year alone, traded to avoid feeling, lost $1,200. this year with people. places list 29 (her parents’ guest room). wedding may 2025 makes her family my family officially. grateful.
-AK